I’m finally back to posting after a nice Thanksgiving. The food was good, the company was pleasant and that for which I am so very thankful…the TV remained off the entire time. I have a real pet peeve about TV’s being on at a social gathering. We listened to music all day instead and it was way better.
Since the huz drove us there and I was driving us home, I didn’t drink any alcohol. I was beat anyway. I’d stayed up late the night before and as the day wore on, all standard child-related duties plus the ancillary ones like making sure P didn’t destroy my SIL’s house, seemed to become my responsibility while the huz socialized and partook in the pleasant lubrication of an alcoholic beverage or two. By the time we rolled out of the driveway at 7:30pm, I was so ready to be home.
As soon as we got on the interstate I noticed I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. For an hour and a half I pinched at my arm hairs through my jacket to stay awake. Good times, indeed, and tiny little bruises to boot.
When we were almost home P started to cry and when we got him into the house, we saw that he was COVERED with hives, which terrifies me because my daughter has a deadly food allergy. I gave him some Benadryl and and after he stopped scratching, I reluctantly put him to bed.
The next morning, still a bit testy about the division of labor at my SIL’s house, I wasn’t being very pleasant to the huz who seemed to feel like sleeping in was his destiny and without going into all the specifics, we ended up having a big argument.
It wasn’t about the night before or about any one thing in particular, which is what boggles my mind the most. And yet it’s the same argument we have had about twice a year for nearly all of the 12 years we’ve been married and long before we had children.
I don’t want to misrepresent my husband. It’s not that he’s a bad person, or that he hurts me me in any way. It’s not that he spends all our money on gambling or drugs or stays out all night. He’s a great husband and father and human being in all the ways that really matter and he does help around the house and he does help with the kids. He’s good with all that stuff. But there are issues…
I know going to work every day is a responsibility but it’s OVER at 5pm. My job is 24-7. And EVEN though he takes care of the kitchen, trash, outside stuff and helps with the kids, I still feel like the overall responsibility of making our lives run smoothly is mine and that it counts for just as much as his job.
And it’s not that he disagrees, either, because he knows what I do all day is hard. But it’s something else that goes way beyond whose turn it is to change the next diaper or get up with the baby in the middle of the night. I can and do ask him to do those things with NO problem. I reiterate…doing his part with housework, childcare etc. is not the issue.
The best way I can put it is to say that sometimes I would like him to step up, unsolicited, and just steer the damn ship and be the responsible party and make all the decisions and let me just sit back and be passive and and not have to think or worry about any aspect of our lives for just a little while, now and then. Doesn’t everyone need that sometime? Please tell me this makes sense.
During our argument, I had asked him when MY day off was? When is MY holiday from work? His response was that he is getting paid to not be at work which STILL doesn’t answer my question…when is MY day off? He doesn’t GET that if he had to be “on duty” every second of his life, he’d be resentful, too. In my opinion, he’s the lucky one because he knows that no matter what, I will be in the background making sure everything, as in EVERY DAMN THING, is taken care of. Who wouldn’t want that? Shit! I want a wife, too.
Maybe I’m asking for something he can’t give. Or maybe I’m the one who needs to change. I can’t even tell anymore. But I definitely don’t want to end up as the couple that’s been married for decades and barely speak to each other anymore because they can’t put themselves in the other person’s shoes.
No. I want to be happy. Deliriously, foolishly happy. But I’d settle for just being content. And thus, another argument is swept under the rug while I ponder what to do.
And to tie up my holiday weekend in a nice little bow, I took P to the doctor on Friday and the doctor determined that his recent rash and hives are the onset of a virus (which reared it’s ugly head today with a super high fever) Oh, and TQ developed hives on her stomach when we were AT the pediatrician’s office yesterday so I imagine her own viral illness will kick in sometime tomorrow. This is two weekends in a row of sick kids.
God clearly hates me.
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I think the most frustrating thing for me is that my husband seems to think that things “just happen.” For example, I sing in the church choir, and he doesn’t understand why I need to be at church at 8:00 am when church doesn’t begin until 9:00 am — why can’t we just show up at 9:00? When the kids were babies, he thought it was great that the diaper bag always had diapers, changes of clothes, snacks, and toys, but it never occurred to him that he should check the damn thing once in a while to restock it. Women are the planners because we have to be; men just take it for granted. Whenever we have to be somewhere, I have the kids and myself ready 30 minutes early. He jumps in the shower as we’re supposed to be leaving, then yells at all of us when we’re late! AAAARGH!!!! I want to be the one who doesn’t have to think and plan and map out the logistics: just shows up and doesn’t have to worry about who’s going to watch the kids and who’s going to tell the kids it’s time to go home. I don’t want to clean up or make sure the kids have their jackets/basketball/tae kwon do mitts, etc. For once, I want to be the Dad.
YES! That is EXACTLY what I mean.
• Food magically appears in the fridge.
• Bills pay themselves.
• Repair people show up and fix things automatically.
• Lunches pack themselves and permission slips are signed by fairies.
• Holiday plans settle themselves.
• Birthday gifts are bought & delivered by elves who also sign all our names to the card
• They also send all the party invitations AND the thank you notes
lol…I wanna be the dad, too!
You post does make sense, far, far too much sense to me. I too have a good husband who is a good father who helps around the house but still doesn’t get the fact that my job is never-ending, and still doesn’t seem fully capable of taking over for me, even in an emergency.
Once when I complained about this to a friend of mine who is getting her PhD in psychology, she said to me, “Wow, it sounds like you are very reliable. It must be really great for your husband to have such a reliable person to constantly rely on. I wonder what he would do if you stopped being so reliable all the time?”
Those psychologist friends are sneaky, aren’t they? So, I have started just insisting that my husband do some things, not leaving him any choice in the matter by simply abdicating my duties and letting him try to figure out how to deal. For instance, over Thanksgiving after staying up baking until 2 a.m. the night before and spending the morning cooking more food, getting our son ready, and cleaning the kitchen, when we arrived at my in-laws house, I talked to all the relatives and completely ignored our son, leaving my husband to watch him.
(Of course this move requires that one’s husband be able to recognize the fact that an unwatched toddler or pre-schooler needs watching. From what I have seen, that does take some several months of training for most WOH dads– meaning reminding one’s husband clearly and forcefully every single time he forgets this fact, in much the same way as one might train a puppy to consistently retrieve the newspaper– but I have found it is possible to instill this idea over time).
My husband got a bit annoyed when I did this at Thanksgiving, especially considering it was his relatives we were visiting, but then I reminded him about my baking HIS favorite dessert until 2 a.m. the night before, and he backed off quickly when I threatened to cut him off from his cheesecake supply ;)
Of course you’re making sense.
It’s hard to live where you work, i.e. at home. It is constant, it never ends, there is no change of scenery or change in level of production. Constant, sometimes mind-numbing, sameness.
It does stink to be responsible for everything, all the time. It’s exhausting! Men who work don’t understand it, even if they say they do. NO ONE can understand it until you do it. I didn’t!
I hear you. I totally get it. Wanna get hitched? :)
AGREED!! We have the same issue. I stress over money, and he buys whatever, wherever.
INITIATIVE. That sums it up in our family. I have a great husband, always willing to help. But I have to force myself (and him) to get over the feeling that he is doing me a favor by helping with the children and the house. It’s not a favor, it’s a family. Sometimes I am so tired of asking for help or directing that it seems easier to just do it myself and wallow in my martyrdom. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live trying to tiredly explain how and why you can’t live with ‘em.
Hello! I found your blog through Blog Soldiers… finally a blog worth reading :)
I appreciated this post (and all the people who commented) as my husband and I have gone through similar rows since our twins were born 10 months ago (and have been crying and puking from reflux ever since).
Keep up the good writing and see you around Blog Soldiers! :)
SeaBird
Just found your blog - so please forgive commenting on an old post as I catch up. I noticed that the stay-at-home-dad demographic was rather under-represented in the comments here. While I don’t want to speak for all SAHD’s, I would like to say a big a-men. For my wife and I, the arrangement made sense based on whose individual nature would be more suited to the at-home role vs. the at-work role. And yes, that means I’m the always-on, 24/7, parent. Since I’m with our daughter all the time, I just ‘know’ what she needs … so yes, my wife often checks in with me … should the drink be juice or milk … etc. We also share the household chores. Things like laundry and dishes that just need to get churned through the machine I take care of during the day. And I give the bathroom and kitchen a scrub down, a little bit at a time (like just the kitchen countertop one day, and the next day sweep the floor, and the next day clean out behind the microwave, etc). My wife does a separate set of chores …
But I’m still the one who has to put together the ‘plan’ … when we go camping … when we go on a day-trip … when we are just hanging out around the house … but its just the pattern that works for us. My wife isn’t the planner … she has other strengths. But oh have there been many moments when I have had that exact same mental cry - the ability just to release the planning and managing responsibility to someone else … but then the control freak in me takes over.
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