Teaching Moments
Today I took my daughter to a birthday pool party. It was actually for the little sister of a girl that was TQ’s best friend in preschool last year. They have stayed friendly throughout the summer and this friend that I’ll call Emily came to TQ’s birthday pool party a couple weeks ago.
When we arrived at the party, Emily was already in the pool, as were many other kids. TQ got right in and sought out Emily, who was playing with her Dad and another guest. TQ repeatedly tried to engage Emily but it was obvious she was enjoying playing with the other girl and her father. TQ came to me, very upset, on a couple different occasions and said that Emily “wasn’t noticing her.”
While my heart broke for my little girl, I also remembered that at her birthday I had to remind her over and over, to no avail, to play with ALL her guests instead of one particular girl. I also remembered seeing Emily looking at TQ and her friend with the same sad look I now saw in my daughter’s eyes. So when she came to me, lamenting that Emily wasn’t playing with her, I told her I was sorry and that I knew it hurt her feelings BUT that perhaps that was how Emily was feeling at her party and that perhaps she should be more understanding of Emily’s behavior because she surely didn’t mean to exclude TQ.
I had to ask myself if I wrong to use this as a “teaching moment”? A part of me felt like it was and that I should have just comforted her and been there for her. The other part of me feels like I wouldn’t be doing her any favors to not using this opportunity to teach her empathy.
Many times in the last few years, where TQ’s social life is concerned, I have wondered if I’ve sacrificed the validity of her feelings in favor of trying to show her the error of her ways. I just want her to grow up to be a kind and empathetic person.
But maybe I’m just showing her that the one person in the world that she thought she could count on is just going to criticize her and throw her mistakes back in her face, which is how my mom handled things. She didn’t mean to be hurtful; that’s just how she was raised and I never want to be like that to my daughter. I never want her to feel like she doesn’t have me in her corner.
In the end, TQ got to have some time playing with Emily later on and went home happy but I still question if I handled the situation properly.
No no no no no…I think you handled it PERFECTLY.
Simple examples to explain situations that are puzzling/upsetting to our kids. That’s how they learn empathy. I don’t think you criticized TQ’s behavior - at her own party or at Emily’s - but simply helped her step into Emily’s shoes.
You did great. Truly.
Raising kids is a crap shoot. I don’t mean that saracastically. But, sometimes it just comes under the “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”
Were you wrong? IMHO, no. What do I base that on?
I’ve done the same thing. With all my kids. It wasn’t easy. The guilt ate me inside. But, I was able to rationally think about what had really been my goal (I’ve actually gone through darn near the same experience as yourself).
I always believed that as a parent it was my obligation to be honest. If one of the kids asked a question, I would always answer honestly and in an age-appropriate way.
Secondly, I firmly believe that kids have a really short attention span. If you had only comforted her, and walked away … she would have gleaned two things from your response: (1) that people are mean to her for no reason (2) that she was not responsible for how she treated people in kind.
If you had comforted her and walked away without addressing the real issue (you get what you give), and then tried to approach her later on, chances are she wouldn’t have remembered how really hurt she felt at that moment she was being ignored. Short attention span.
Finally, and I know you don’t believe this part, she now knows that you love her enough to call her on her “stuff.”
At HER birthday party, when she did the same thing to someone else. Did she heed your repeated advice? Nope. Why? Because she didn’t understand.
Now she does.
It’s tough being a parent and seeing your kid hurt. And the last thing you want to do is contribute to it. But, you didn’t. You just wanted her to see the truth. That her actions hurt someone else.
She needed to see that and understand that. You’re okay. She’s okay. And when she’s 18, she’ll tell you that she was glad you called her on her stuff.
All of mine did. And they’re okay.
Oh gee…I often take those moments to teach my girls a life lesson and wonder if I have done the right thing. I think you DID validate her feelings, and it all did work out in the end. Girlworld is a social quagmire (I am in deep, big girl going into grade 4), and I have seen so many hurt feelings and negotiated so many land mines!
One REALLY useful method I learned from a very wise mother of 3, is “oh Honey, thats lousy…..” look sympathetic, and then leave space for them to fill in how they would like to deal with the situation…
Can hardly wait for high school;)
IMO that’s parenting. Well, good parenting. Taking those moments to acknowledge her feelings and then showing her how do deal and how it feels to be on the receiving end.
Empathy is the greatest gift.
Sounds to me like you covered both basis, comforting and lesson learning!
You did the right thing all around, because in gently pushing her to see the lesson in her experience, you were honouring her feelings, in the fullest sense possible. You encouraged her to reflect upon her feelings, and you demonstrated that you were doing the same - reflecting on her feelings and takign them seriously.
You did the right thing. It’s a line all of us parents toe from time to time, “Teach the lesson, or ignore it and sympathize.” I’ve learned you have to be a parent and teacher first, and then a friend. No matter how much it sucks sometimes.
You were so smart to seize the moment to empathize - and to teach a lesson. And I bet you learned something too!
You handled the situation perfectly. You understood your daughter’s feelings and also understood that Emily wasn’t trying to exclude TQ. I think it’s great that you saw both sides.
my mom ALWAYS treated every situation as a learning experience for me - was there something i could have done different?, was i sure i hadn’t done something to warrant such a response?, etc.
i resented her for years for this. all i wanted as a kid was for her to be on MY SIDE!
but now i find myself doing the same thing with my kids. and i understand why, now. because worrying about feelings too much just makes things complicated. people get so involved in their feelings, their perspective of the world becomes tweaked.
i know it’s a different dynamic with kids, but they become adults one day.
you did the right thing my izzy.
i mean what is life but a series of things you learn?
Who knows? I mean, I’d love to say that you handled it personally as well but how the hell do we know? I guess if you love your child you have to do what feels right in the moment. And maybe next time you’ll feel like just comforting her. It seems like you made the right choice in this instance so you should rest assured that she will not be seeking the comfort of the therapist’s couch for this incident.
Of course you did.
You wouldn’t be worth your weight as a Mom if you didn’t guide and teach her at every opportunity.
And since she finally got her time with the little birthday girl, she sees now that Mom was right. Cherish that … it’ll be gone in a few years. LOL…
You listened. You validated. You taught. You are a damn good mother. If you had only “lectured” about it as a lesson then maybe it wouldn’t have been heard by her. But you didn’t and I bet she did learn the lesson. You have great instincts Izzy.
I agree with everyone else that you did the right thing. I think as long as you point things out kindly, and not in an “I told you so” sort of way, it is something they need to hear. Kids have no idea and it is up to the parents to help guide them and help them figure out how to be kind polite grown up people some day! Although I think a big hug while talking never hurts either.
The things that you have to do on a moment to moment basis as a mother continue to astound me. (and scare me to death :o) ) The fact that you even thought of this at all says to me that you are doing a wonderful job with your daughterr.
I think you handled it perfectly and I have to say, I’d have done the same thing.
those moments are so hard to know what to do. I think you handled it perfectly. I never know for sure what to do and how to handle it.
I can only go on common sense here and not experience, but it sounds to me like you did the right thing (as 17 people before me seem to agree). If you handled it with kindness, then you absolutely acknowleged her feelings. You can both do that and teach her, right?
I think you handled it wonderfully. I have had to do similar things with my daughter with respect to the interactions between her and her friends — sometimes she and her best friend will exclude another girl (because they are so caught up in their play) but when it happens to Mimi she feels bad. Of course. So when she’s feeling bad about being left out I try to remind her that’s why she shouldn’t make other little girls feel left out. I like to think it’s helping — I know her best friend’s mom and I are on the same wavelength, so hopefully that helps too.
See, but your explanation WAS an act of comfort. By teaching her to understand other people’s emotions she’ll better grasp her own. You are giving her an excellent balance between her emotional self and her rational self. That’s so important. horrah to you.
Are you kidding? That was totally the perfect way to handle it. You comforted AND taught at the same time…AND then reassessed to see if you could have handled it even better.
Damn girl. I wish you were my mom.
You did WHAT????? You said WHAT?????
Just kiddin’
Hey, parenting isn’t always pretty, but in this situation you definitely did a beautiful job. Instead of taking off on a guilt trip, why not take stretch out on a hammock of parental satisfaction.
sounds like the right thing to do to me. i hope i’ll be so courageous when lila is old enough. i love reading your blog…i’m taking furious notes to guide me through the future!
I think you handled it wonderfully! As moms, we are often put on the spot and have to make split second decisions on whether to make it a teaching moment or just shrug it off. My daughter just turned 6 yesterday and I had a similar conversation with her, reminding her that she had to play with all of her guests and not just run off with her BF from school. She did very well and had she snuck off with her BF any longer than a moment or two, like you, I would have gently reminded her that all of her guests want some of her attention. Raising kids is hard and damn, there’s no manual! LOL!
rather than read every comment and find that I am only repeating everything already said, I’m gonna say my piece and bore you to tears. prepare yourself for maximum boreage.
I’m betting, based on your experience/awareness of such (via *your* mom), you balance it well, but tend to worry that you don’t, b/c it’s become a sticking point for you. you’re aware that you gotta shed *some* real life awareness on your daughter’s life, b/c coddling is going to have the opposite effect that the style your mom applied did with you.
trust yourself, Iz. you’re a hell of a good mom. you know you are. even if this is a sticky issue. fuck. most of them are. in fact, I’d like to know which ones *aren’t* sticky.
next time you and your daughter are having an awesome moment together, a snuggle bonanza or a good talk or some other special thing, remind yourself that indeed, you are a loving mom, and you are bringing balance into your daughter’s life.
then have some chocolate. preferably inside a cocktail.
xoxoxo
If you would have waited until the party was over you might have missed out on a perfect teaching moment. IMO life is full of teaching moments and they should not be passed up. I think you handled it perfectly.
As parents, nobody ever gave us a manual when we left the hospital after excrutiatingly having pushed that big head of the baby out of your body, so we try to do the best we can, and there will always doubts.
Like yesterday, my 5 y/o son was playing with his 20 y/o cousin and she had to do something else, and he got upset and wouldn’t talk to any of us. So I let him cool off until bed time and “drilled” him why he was upset, and he told me the reason above, so I had to remind him that he can’t get upset when someone decides to do something else. And he yes “ok Mommy”, but I don’t know if he got it or not. I told my hubbie that I hope he doesn’t become so “needy” that it will drive his friends from him. That would be so sad!!
I’ve been thinking about this all weekend, and I think that your remarks not only taught empathy but also helped to comfort your daughter, because they gave her the opportunity to realize that her friend’s behaviour was a result of thoughtlessness rather than meanness or dislike. It’s not just a matter of behaving differently herself in the future - your daughter can also use her own experience to recognize that being ignored, while hurtful, is not necessarily a fundamental rejection or the end of a friendship.
I can’t believe you did that! Hahaha…just teasing you. Izzy, it sounds to me like you did both….validated her feelings, and then used the moment to teach her empathy.
Honestly I think that you did a good job. You did validate your child’s feelings but you also gave food for thought. And in this day and age I think that speaks volumes to the type of person you are. It’s so easy now adays to over look the life lessons. I commend you for not doing that. I don’t believe that your child will feel like you aren’t their to support her cause I truly believe if the situation warranted it you would back her up 100%. Teaching empathy is a wonderful thing and parents today should do more of it.
This is the kind of thing I know I’ll struggle with too and I have no idea how I would have handled it. However, I think you found a good middle ground by acknowledging her feelings and then giving her a perspective on them by reminding her of her behavior at her own party.
I guess I’m taking some parenting lessons away from YOU my friend and from these commenters. This was an interesting situation. I’m glad you posted on it.
I think that since you are sensitive to how that feels, then you will not push her away. Depending on the situation, sympathy can be offered or good advice can be offered.
She will know that while you are someone she can talk to, she can expect the truth from you, like it or not. And that is much more refreshing to a smart kid like yours than sympathy alone!
I think you handled perfectly…
Notmuch to add that has not been already said in your comments Izzy…
Stay the course…
I think that through love, empathy and understanding you teach your child to be a true friend. And a child that will add to the world…
Izzy you are doing a great job…
and am glad you shared the story with us.
no- i think that was great. honestly. because that’s what WE do… you are teaching her to be empathic and kind by reminding her that she had the same behavior at her party earlier. even though the kids don’t always “get it” at the level we would as adults, you’ve still told her. i am NOT wording this right at all- but dammit… the little girlw asn’t intentionally trying to hurt her feelings.. just like i’m sure she dind’t try to hurt anyone’s feelings at her bd party. but sometimes, that just happens. you can do both- you can comfort her AND teach at the same time. i think you’re awesome. you have to make situations relatable, you know? i try to do that with blake all the time and he gives me the blank stare and goes, “i don’t get it.” LOL
You handled it fine! The way I would. DITTO with everyone else.
As for the time management mentioned below, YIKES!! I don’t have time to do anything! I usually now have to gulp down dinner and rush around. I hope it slows down when the baby gets older.
Wow. You really are a great mother. I probably would have just told them to work it out amongst themselves. I’m bad… so bad.
I would have asked TQ to walk over and push her friend in the pool and then yell at saying “Stay away from my boyfriend - You hoochie!”. Like on Melrose Place or Oprah.
I’m kidding. I think you did the right thing. I probably would have done the same-
This is a fascinating issue, and I relate. My own mom was one of those well-meaning types who always corrected my grammar before she answered my question and never missed a chance to begin a sentence with “That’s just like the time you…”
And I didn’t want to adopt that style either. But I agree with all those above who point out that compassion and thoughtfulness are such important values to teach our kids. I like the way you handled it.
I’m part of a foursome who do a blog called Parent Place for the Orlando Sentinel newspaper. We love to open up issues like this for discussion. We link to this blog on our blogroll, because it raises those kinds of questions.
Check us out at OrlandoSentinel.com sometime.
Ohhh. I think you did the right thing. But yeah, I constantly second guess myself too…
You know, I’ve always said if my kids grow up to hate me then I know I’ve done my job. I don’t really want them to hate me, but I do know there are going to be lots of moments where I’m not their favorite person. And that’s alright, because I’m their mom, not their friend. When I was a kid, my mom tried to be my friend. What a mess that turned out to be, and I was constantly in trouble until I was old enough to know better. Had she been a parent and told me “no” once in awhile, I probably wouldn’t have gotten in as much trouble as I did.
What you did was absolutely right. You can be firm, teach your kids right from wrong, and still love them. They will respect you and love you more for it, trust me. ;)
It sounds like you were mindful of everyone’s feelings and handled it all with love. Yay you.
I am not looking forward to having to deal with such issues. I still have a few years though, right??
I’m so socially miserable that I am not even sure I’ll see the lesson or know what to teach her.
My parents were over-empathizers. (This is on the flip side of your experience.) I never ever got the lesson teaching… and was left to figure it all out myself. I don’t know how much of that contributed to who I am now, but you are free to make your own assumptions: I am way too sensitive and take things personally. I FEEL everything. I sometimes have a hard time being logical in social situations. While growing up I was a social retard and my peers pointed that out regularly. Sigh.
I’ve even noticed myself taking offense to people who don’t empathize with my daughter when she’s upset. As if their little comments will affect her for life. I don’t know how to handle these sorts of situations and am glad for posts like yours to teach me a little bit!!! Thanks!
It’s always hard to know what to say when our kids start experiencing these little social/emotional setbacks (or at least what feel like setbacks to them, and to us as their parents). I think you did the right thing by being honest and pointing out the other girl’s feelings and motivations. I’m sure it will take a while for her to learn, but it’s a valuable lesson.