Practicing for BlogHer

Practicing for BlogHer! That’s what Wendy called it when she wrote about our recent big night out on her blog. She might have been joking but for me, it’s no joke. The closest I’ve been to copious amounts of alcohol in the past year has been in the beer section of the grocery store. Seriously, I haven’t been out, in the REAL sense of the word, since before I got pregnant with P. It’s been almost two years of near alcoholic celibacy.

So yeah…I’m a little rusty and I needed to get some practice in so as not to make a complete ass of myself at BlogHer. But if I do, I’m just asking now, in advance, that you guys remember I’m like a born-again teenager here, practically a drinking virgin. If I invade your personal space by hugging you or tell you too loudly that I love you (or your blog), just take it in stride and cut me some slack. A lot of slack. And promise not to gossip about me or tell people what an intoxicated doofus I was. I’ll promise the same. Do we have a deal?

Anyhooo, Wendy and I went out to a local hangout that I’ve amazingly never been to in all the years I’ve lived here and it was pretty cool. After two beers, I was sporting a rather pleasant buzz. We gabbed and laughed and Wendy even got recognized by an enthusiastic fan of her writing in the bathroom. She has groupies! I’m not worthy!

And this photo (with my OLD anti-hairstyle) was taken right before we started dancing on the bar. It was sooo Coyote Ugly, except we’re WAY hotter than those twits in the movie. Hoooooo boy! Okay. That didn’t really happen. But it was a fun night and I can’t wait to party like it’s 1999 with Wendy and the rest of you at BlogHer :)

PS: If you’re interested in such things, check out my most recent blog design endeavors at Mama Daisy’s and Mrs. Fortune’s.

Breaking Up is NOT Hard to Do

Dear Cable Company,

Though we’ve had a long and for you, very profitable relationship, it’s time to say goodbye. It’s not that I haven’t enjoyed your perpetually bad service, or waiting around with my thumb up my ass for your repair people to not show. I have. But I’ve found someone else. Yes, fiber optic TV, internet and phone service are being installed tomorrow and your antiquated ass will be unceremoniously kicked to the curb.

You could have won me back with a little customer appreciation, like maybe giving me a break from your constantly escalating fees since I was a loyal subscriber to your cable and broadband service for over seven years. But nooooo, you sent me a couple coupons to crappy restaurants instead. And I’m supposed to swoon? Puh! You insult me.

I must tell you, however, that it’s entirely possible having your tech support people NOT be located in New Delhi or Bangalore would have swayed me in your favor. Sure, “Bryce” and “Melanie” were very nice but their wooden, scripted responses, spoken in their marginal English, were very off-putting. Call me quirky, but I prefer my sucky customer service to come from the U.S.

Though I readily admit to being a total whore for great service offerings such as on-demand movies, free DVR and digital music at a price that would knock any girls socks off, I still blame you for our breakup. You simply refused to meet my needs.

In any case, I know it’s been tough getting used to not being a monopoly anymore so no hard feelings, okay?

Buh-bye now.

Sincerely,
Izzymom

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In all honestly, I’m not so sure my *new* provider (the phone company) will be much better. Yeah, they have better prices for more and better services but they’ve pissed me off a time or two, as well.

For example, today there’s a knock at the door. I open it to find a brawny blue-collar type who tells me they will be digging up my yard in preparation for installation of my new fiber optic service. WTF would be a gross understatement. Here’s a snippet of my conversation with brawny blue-collar guy:

Me: What do you mean you’ll be digging up my yard? You guys did that a year and a half ago to lay the fiber optic.

Him: Well, now we have to put the cable in

Me: Well, what did you put in before?

Him: Fiber optic cable, ma’am

Me: (cringing inwardly at being called “Ma’am”) And now you’re doing it again? Doesn’t that seem a little….redundant?

Him: Ma’am? (clearly I’ve stumped him)

His partner, definitely the brains of the operation, came over and explained to dumb little old me that though they laid the cable and destroyed my yard once before, they will now need to run the cable from the front of my yard, under my driveway and up to the house and yes, dig up my yard again.

Is it just me or do they seem not particularly efficient?

Arrghhhhhh…fiber optic better ROCK or else.

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I’m leaving now to get my haircut. It’s been over a year since my last one. Hairdressers all over town are placing bets on whether or not I’ll hate it. Odds are, I will. Wish me luck.

HAIR UPDATE: Holy haircuts, Batman! I actually like it. It’s nothing special, really. He just layered my shoulder length hair and did some sideswept bangs but it just looks so modern and less “haggard housewife-ish.” If I can get hubz to take a decent photo, I’ll post it. But know this much, it looks WAY better than it did before. The only thing is that these long sideswept bangs can be very annoying. Anyone else have that problem? Any tips?

It feels kinda good!

I was tagged by Blackbelt Mama (or maybe it was her sassy alter-ego, Blackbelt Bitch???) for this 20 Things I Hate meme. I allowed my own bitchy alter-ego to come out a little and I have to admit, it felt kind of good to think of things you hate without worrying about whether you’re being all negative and unpleasant.

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Here’s my list, in no particular order:

1. Litterbugs – The world is NOT your trashcan, you lazy, selfish, festering boil on the ass of society.

2. Bass/stereos so loud that other people have to feel/hear your music, which, I might add, ALWAYS SUCKS ASS. How come people with GOOD taste in music never do that?

3. Bad manners, rudeness etc. (see these posts for specifics)

4. People who just casually let their dogs crap anywhere, including right on the sidewalk, and make no attempt whatsoever to remove it, which also happens to be THE LAW, assholes. Additionally, my yard, THAT MY KIDS AND I WALK AROUND ON, is not a toilet for your dog. How would you like it if I came to your house and just shit in the middle of your living room? Even if I scooped it up with a bag, it would still be pretty fucking gross, no?

5. People that you only hear from when they need something.

6. Passive-aggressive clerks. Yes, I know your job sucks but pretending I’m not standing here while you pick your hangnails or pretend to be engrossed in some other aspect of your job is not going to make it any better.
7. In a similar vein, I hate when the garbageman throws the lid to my can on top of my flowers. I mean really…that’s just a shitty thing to do.

8. People who have complained to me about the same self-created problems for years and never do a thing to change them. Um, stop wasting my time.

9. The “profits at any cost” corporate mentality.

10. Those stupid black W…the President stickers. They’re so ominous and creepy looking. They remind me of Darth Vader. Plus, isn’t it getting a little embarrassing to have one of those on your car? I think this is a much better choice.

11. Hypocrisy. I hate hypocrites. Any questions?

12. People who leave their dogs outside 24-7. Not only is this mean and inhumane (why do you even have pets???) but they also tend to bark constantly and annoy the ever-loving hell out of me which then makes me hate the dogs as much as I hate their ignorant, selfish owners.

13. When people say “nucyaler” instead of “nuclear.” Not only is it incorrect but it sounds really dumb, too.

14. Twenty excruciating minutes of trailers before a children’s movie, especially when the trailers are wholly inappropriate for the age of the kids there for the movie. Hollywood? I’m kinda starting to HATE you. Oh, and add to that children’s movies where the characters SCREAM through the entire thing. Hello? Ever heard of that thing…you know, TALKING? If you ever want me to bring my kids to a movie again, you’ll stop with all the screaming characters. It gets on my last. Mother. Fucking. Nerve.

15. Negative, naysayer types that crap all over everything. Go away from me. You suck all the fun out of life. (Those of us doing this meme are excluded, of course)

16. Living in one of the few countries of the world that doesn’t give paid maternity/paternity leave to working parents.

17. Big, giant, ostentatious SUV’s driven by some lady and her ONE child. Hello? Is a Hummer REALLY necessary to drop your child off at school and run to the market a few times a week? Or do you have some 4-wheel drive needs that you attend to regularly that would justify your driving such a ginormous resource and road-hogging vehicle?

18. Weird, crunchy things like pickles, relish, onions, celery etc. in any kind salad (chicken, potato, macaroni, tuna etc) I know a lot of people like that stuff but it seriously grosses me out.

19. I really hate that Gerber is starting to package organic baby food in plastic containers that leach chemicals into food. Hello? It’s oxymoronic and pretty much defeats the purpose of buying chemical-free food. Thanks a lot, asshats.

20. Paying an insane, obscene amount of money for health insurance while the CEOS of such companies get record-high bonus’ in the area of TWENTY MILLION DOLLARS a year. That’s a REAL figure, folks.

I’m tagging Dawn for this meme and anyone else who wants to be tagged for it. Just sign my name to it and say that I tagged you :)