Archive for July, 2006:
The Sucky Friends Diaries
What is it with the sucky, totally-take-you-for-granted friends coming out of the woodwork lately?
Sucky Friend “S”
Since she became a born-again Christian (no offense but she’s kind of annoying now) I only hear from her when she has something to sell. And I’m not talkin’ religion. A few years ago, she called me up out of the blue to ask if she could hike it out to my house in the ‘burbs (a very temporary lapse in judgment AKA “my short stint in a suburban nightmare”) and do a presentation for a vacuum cleaner she was selling. I very kindly, but bluntly told her that we were a one income family and that this special, super-duper, probably-even-wipes-your-kid’s-ass vacuum was sure to be out of my budget.
She was undeterred and showed up with her church pal/partner-in-multilevel marketing and proceeded to try and sell me a $1500 Rainbow vacuum. It had this weird water filter feature that made it more like a giant motorized bong on wheels. Intriguing? Yes. Enough to buy it? HELL FRIGGIN’ NO! But for an hour she put the squeeze on me and even used my daughter’s health and well-being as a selling point. That was the dealbreaker. They left defeated. I didn’t hear from her for another THREE years until I got the WEDDING INVITATION!
So I went (3 weeks postpartum, I might add), brought a nice gift, suffered through a very long patriarchically-flavored religious monologue, got rained on, ate the obligatory wedding buffet meal and I even sat with her Grandma.
Now this friend knows I’d just had a baby but did she ever come by to see him or perhaps send a card of congratulations? No. Does she ever call just to see how we are doing? No. Dissing my kid really bothered me the most, I think.
But her heart belongs to Jesus now and I respect that. I mean she’s getting ready to become a missionary and all… BUT FIRST SHE HAS TO RAISE SOME MONEY. I learned all about it from the contents of the big yellow envelope I got last week which included a letter describing the AMAZING opportunity she wanted to share with me.
What was she selling this time? I’m not exactly sure but it appeared to be some sort of health food concoction. I wouldn’t know for certain, though, because I ripped that shit up faster than you can say “We kill solicitors and make sausage out of them!” and that was that. (What movie was that from? Anyone?)
“Thou shall not use dear old friends as marketing leads.” Doesn’t it say that somewhere in the Bible?
No?
Okay wait…how about “Thou shall not be a shitty friend”
That’s not in there, either?
Hmmmph. It should be.
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Stay tuned for future installments of The Sucky Friends Diaries!
Lucky 13
Dear P,
You’re 13 months old today!
We turned your carseat around this week and you seem quite pleased to now be looking at the same things as the rest of us. When I reach around and grab your feet or pat your leg, you grin and show me all seven of your widely spaced teeth. I miss your gummy little smile but those funny little teeth are awfully cute, as is the rest of you. In fact, you’re quite the charmer when we’re out and about; making women everywhere swoon over your long lashes and flirty ways.
These days you’re into everything and nothing is safe from your curious little hands. The trash can in the kitchen is one of your favorite haunts, as is the dishwasher, the toilet and our cabinet full of vinyl albums. Anything on the edge of a surface is sure to be pulled down and dismantled, crinkled or broken and the cordless phone MUST be unplugged a minimum of 3 times daily or your day is not complete.
Some of your favorite items include coffee cups, my Vicks inhaler, my lipstick (top on, top off, top on, top off), my wallet, and anything on my desk that can be thrown to the floor. Your toys, however, are safely tucked away in the bottom of the hall closet where you can get at them with relative ease which insures you will have no interest in them whatsoever. *sigh*
Your separation anxiety really peaked this past month and was beginning to drive Mommy fricken bonkers. Fortunately, it seems to be declining now and has resulted in much better sleeping for you. Lately, you don’t protest at all when I lay you in your crib and you fall right to sleep. I can’t tell you what a nice change this is and frankly, it’s one I thought it would never happen.
You still love Bootsy kitty as much as ever and you still do the same thing you did as a teeny baby where you affectionately rub your head on him. It’s beyond cute. Also really cute are your wet, slobbery open mouth kisses and when you play peek-a-boo with me. You’ve been doing that for a while now but I never get tired of it and apparently you don’t either as you seem willing to play for as long as I’ll engage you.
You’re walking almost all the time now and even though you still fall a lot and clunk your head at least once a day, you never get discouraged. You stand up and pick up right where you left off. And you’re fast! It always amazes me how quickly you can get into the bathroom when you notice that the door has been left open.
Hat, outside, what’s that? (wassat?) Dada, Mama, sissy and kitty are the staples of your verbal repertoire. I’m sure there more that I can’t decipher. “Hat” is your newest word and goes along with your penchant for putting everything on top of your head. “Outside” is your favorite and you say it as a response to pretty much everything while gesturing to the window or backyard.
You’re eating anything a mostly toothless person can eat and Stonyfield Farms Yo-Baby yogurt makes you deliriously happy. You have an appetite that gives new meaning to the term “bottomless pit” and will follow me around making little grunty noises and tugging on my leg to give you a bite of whatever I’m eating. I’m fairly certain this is how moms really lose their baby weight.
You weigh 24.11 lbs and you’re 31.25 inches tall (75th percentile for both). Frankly, you feel like you weigh a hell of a lot more and I would have bet a kidney that you weighed at least 25 lbs. Your head is still really big and as I like to tell your also large-headed sister…it’s full of big, smart brains.
You’re still napping twice a day, thank God, but this schedule makes going out and doing any baby-friendly activities almost impossible. I must confess that in some ways, I am relieved that I have this excuse. You see, when your sister was 13 months, I was an eager first-time mother and highly motivated by the fear that I would somehow ruin her or stunt her development if we just hung around the house all day.
Unfortunately for you, I completely wore myself out keeping her entertained, educated and well-rounded for the past five years and I now know better. Thus, you’ve inherited a much mellower and lazier mom who is not even remotely interested in attending Kindermusik or Gymboree classes or making small talk and arranging playdates with other moms. I apologize in advance for whatever harm may come to you from not being properly socialized.
I love you, my baby Noogs. *smooch*
Love,
Mama
oxoxo
My goal is to do one of these every month since I’ve been a total slacker mom and haven’t done your baby book or kept a journal or really done anything to chronicle your first year other than photograph you like you’re a huge celebrity. I hope those 50,000 photos that live in my computer will suffice :)
Proof That I’m Not an Old Fart Yet
I went to the BP tonight and there were a couple cars of twentysomethings buying beer, cigarettes etcetera.
If I was an old fart, I’d be complaining about how they parked (poorly). Or about drinking and driving. Or how much I don’t like the crap that passes for rap these days.
But I didn’t. I was merely envious and wishing I was the one crammed into a car with a bunch of friends, getting ready to go out and have fun.
Move over, Rover and let Jimi take over…
I always thought I made a concerted effort to not let my personal preferences, desires and likes/dislikes about certain things rub off on my kids. I mean, if P wants to be an athlete even though I’m not a sportsfan, then so be it. If TQ wants to be a starving performance artist instead of an engineer or architect (for the better earning potential so she can take care of her parents in relative comfort when they are old and frail), fine.
Part of the reason I do this is because I don’t want to live vicariously through my kids on any level. I want them to have their own interests and hopes and dreams, instead of living out mine and the same thing goes for the clothes they wear.
Sure, I’d love to buy P a onesie that says “Boob Man” or “Vegas Baby” because they’re clever and funny, but he’s just a toddler and thus, he wears clothing befitting a toddler. One thing that really bugs me, though, is all that cliché boys clothing with sports-themed stuff all over it. It’s such a stereotype that boys are expected to like sports.
How about clothes with computers or scientific stuff on them for the kids we hope will be brainy? Or clothes with arts-themed things on them for all the kids we hope will be artistic and creative? Why just sports? Bah!
The same goes for TQ. I’m not too thrilled with shirts that say “I’m Cute” or “Princess” or “Spoiled” any of that crapola because, like the sports-themed clothing, it’s so stereotypical and cheesy.
Frankly, I’m holding out for the shirts that say “I’m smart” or “I have a black belt in common sense” or “I can play my (insert instrument of choice) better than you” rather than claiming her milkshake is better than yours or that she’s “100% Brat”.
Heh…it seems that despite my best-laid plans to let them make a few of their own choices, I just can’t stay out of it.
And apparently, we have influenced TQ quite a bit in other ways, too. The following conversations are 100% real and when I think about it, I have to laugh at how prematurely hip our daughter is at the ripe old age of almost 6 (in a harmless, non-Bratz dollz kind of way).
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Me: Hey TQ, do you know who that is? (pointing to the TV)
TQ: Hmmmmm (thinking) I can’t remember his name.
Hubz: You know…he plays ball with us sometimes.
TQ: (face brightens) Oh yeah, Jimi Hendrix!
Hubz: That’s right!
Jimi Hendrix plays ball with TQ and the huz… You heard it here first, folks.
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Scene: Brushing TQ’s long curly/wavy hair in her bedroom
TQ: (making various noises and complaints about her tangled hair as I brush it)
Hubz: We’re just going to stop brushing your hair and let you have dreads
TQ: Nooooo! I don’t want Ziggy Marley hair. Nooooo!
Hubz: How about if we let you dye it pink?
TQ: Oooooh yes! Stop brushing my hair, mommy! I want pink dreadlocks!
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TQ: Daddy? Can we listen to DJ Zinc (podcast) for a few minutes before I get ready for bed?
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I am secretly thrilled that my daughter knows who Jimi Hendrix and Ziggy Marley and DJ Zinc are. I hope having some cultural literacy about things beyond her beloved Barbies and Polly Pockets will serve her well.
I also hope that P will grow up to love whatever he loves, despite wearing clothing covered in baseballs, soccer balls and footballs. As a matter of fact, I think I’m going to start designing those science and art-themed fashions right now.
It occurs to me as I write this that what I’ve been doing is sort of inadvertently rebelling against gender stereotyping.
Is this a good thing? Or does it not even matter?
Hell…I don’t know. I just thought it was interesting that my kid likes cool music and wants pink dreads.
C’mon Get Happy!
Lots of good news this week — but nothing so newsworthy that it would merit it’s own post, which is precisely why God invented bullet points :)
• Last night I went grocery shopping and guess what I didn’t see? Mmmhmmm. That’s right. NO sleazy magazines to be found. I looked really hard, thinking that perhaps they were trying to fool IzzyMom, but alas, there was nary an FHM, Low Rider or Maxim in sight. *doing a victory lap around the blog*
And if you have no idea what I’m talking about, take a sec and read this post.
I sent the link to the store in question’s corporate HQ and I’m reasonably sure they saw all 75 of YOUR comments and took note of the general consensus. Thanks for your support.
• I got a new computer and a kick ass flat screen monitor last week. This is a really big deal, you know. My old computer was a fricken RELIC. But my new lover is a smokin’ hot Mac Mini (with the new Intel chip). A few of you may recall that I got the huz one of these for his birthday in January. It’s TINY. And FAST. And I love it! Weeeeeeeee!
• While the installers and subcontractors of my fiber optic cable, phone and TV are all pretty inept and have had to come back numerous times since last Thursday, the service itself is AWESOME! The DVR (I know everyone else on the planet already has one of these but just humor me) is the coolest thing ever and the internet access is faster than I ever imagined it could be. Color me yellow for happy!
• I’m still liking my new haircut but I’m also still trying to figure out the whole blow-drying thing; you know where you sort of get re-acquainted with your hair and have to learn to do the new ‘do. I promise I will post a pic as soon as I have it done and the hub is around to snap a pic. And let it be known far and wide…I will NEVER go to SuperCuts or Fantastic Sam’s again. The convenience just isn’t worth it. My new hairdresser is the bomb and if you live in my city and want his name, drop me an email or a comment.
• I lost FOUR pounds! This may not seem like much but considering that until recently, I hadn’t lost a single pound in almost a year this is a very big deal because it proves I CAN lose it!
What’s my secret for this massive weight loss?
Well, I’ve got P. 99% weaned and it’s made some difference (that’s another post) but more importantly, I stopped buying junk food. If it’s not here, I don’t really think about it, I don’t miss it and I can’t eat it. This is very critical when you have minimal willpower, like me. I’ve also been trying to squeeze in exercise when I can. That’s it.
• And finally, as you may recall, I got rid of my blogroll for a while. I tried to use Bloglines exclusively but I didn’t care for it so I caved and reinstated the good old blogroll. But this time, I have a new policy and a new attitude about things and I feel really good about it!
What are you happy about today?
