The Sucky Friends Diaries
What is it with the sucky, totally-take-you-for-granted friends coming out of the woodwork lately?
Sucky Friend “S”
Since she became a born-again Christian (no offense but she’s kind of annoying now) I only hear from her when she has something to sell. And I’m not talkin’ religion. A few years ago, she called me up out of the blue to ask if she could hike it out to my house in the ‘burbs (a very temporary lapse in judgment AKA “my short stint in a suburban nightmare”) and do a presentation for a vacuum cleaner she was selling. I very kindly, but bluntly told her that we were a one income family and that this special, super-duper, probably-even-wipes-your-kid’s-ass vacuum was sure to be out of my budget.
She was undeterred and showed up with her church pal/partner-in-multilevel marketing and proceeded to try and sell me a $1500 Rainbow vacuum. It had this weird water filter feature that made it more like a giant motorized bong on wheels. Intriguing? Yes. Enough to buy it? HELL FRIGGIN’ NO! But for an hour she put the squeeze on me and even used my daughter’s health and well-being as a selling point. That was the dealbreaker. They left defeated. I didn’t hear from her for another THREE years until I got the WEDDING INVITATION!
So I went (3 weeks postpartum, I might add), brought a nice gift, suffered through a very long patriarchically-flavored religious monologue, got rained on, ate the obligatory wedding buffet meal and I even sat with her Grandma.
Now this friend knows I’d just had a baby but did she ever come by to see him or perhaps send a card of congratulations? No. Does she ever call just to see how we are doing? No. Dissing my kid really bothered me the most, I think.
But her heart belongs to Jesus now and I respect that. I mean she’s getting ready to become a missionary and all… BUT FIRST SHE HAS TO RAISE SOME MONEY. I learned all about it from the contents of the big yellow envelope I got last week which included a letter describing the AMAZING opportunity she wanted to share with me.
What was she selling this time? I’m not exactly sure but it appeared to be some sort of health food concoction. I wouldn’t know for certain, though, because I ripped that shit up faster than you can say “We kill solicitors and make sausage out of them!” and that was that. (What movie was that from? Anyone?)
“Thou shall not use dear old friends as marketing leads.” Doesn’t it say that somewhere in the Bible?
No?
Okay wait…how about “Thou shall not be a shitty friend”
That’s not in there, either?
Hmmmph. It should be.
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Stay tuned for future installments of The Sucky Friends Diaries!
Ugh. That sucks almost as much as the people who only invite you over for parties that involve retail items…. Pampered chef, candles and the like. I hate that shit. I do not go to candle/basket/lingerie/tupperware parties. Ever. I don’t care if you’re my best friend. Don’t ask me.
I totally hate the friend-selling-something-to-a-captive-audience situation. Really frickin’ annoying.
We had some friends from college that called us one day on a Saturday morning at 7 in the morning (before kids). They told us they had something “very important to tell us”. We were terrified that someone had died! They came over and proceeded to tell us about some business opportunity. We were pissed! Who does that to friends? I just don’t understand!
That’s not a friend at all.
Ugh.
I just don’t get it. Do people have no shame?
I am not a religious expert or anything and I don’t actually own a bible but I am pretty sure “shitty” might not be part of the vocab :) LOL
Speaking of semantics, I’d say one might use the term “friend” loosely when describing this shameless woman.
i probably would have mailed an old used bandaid back
I’m a bitch though
Anybody that is weak enough to get into those multi-level marketing scams to sell (or recruit) overprice junk/services/insurance to friends and family… we totally avoid and ultimately stop talking to (and then eventually Blog about it…)
The part I can’t figure out is how otherwise normal people become such Kool-Aid drinkers when it comes to these things. It seems like once they get involved in a cultish religion/multi-level marketing scheme/timeshare deal, that their souls are sucked out and replaced by zombies with a pre-recorded voice box that only spews out the appropriate phrases.
Some friend and what a great ‘christian’ role model!
AMEN!!!
My sister in law has invited us to her place for dinner ONCE and that was on a Good Friday…
I cook for every husband’s family functions for 17 years(Ok,I know I am a loser)
Can you imagine my surprise, when waiting 17 years for an invite I am greeted by a ‘chef’ … and he was going to prepare a meal for us on these NEW Amazing $2,000 a set pots and pans…
It was a pyramid scheme…
She wanted me to call all my friends on Good Friday and push this product… I could not believe it…
She continually does these things… schemes and I just have to smile… and say ‘No Thank you…’
But inside I am thinking… Give yourself a shake, Woman!!!
When you’re finished with this, can we start Customer Service Nightmares?
No, but I think God did say, “Quit being an effing TOOL and get a real job. That pyramid ain’t shit.”
yeah my parents had friends who sold pyramid scheme stuff and later windows… any time we had them over they would ask about stuff we needed to buy. When my parents didn’t buy windows from them (because they were 3 times the price for lesser quality windows) they stopped talking to them. My parents were thriled.
And seriously? I have a bad friend right now and I completely agree they suck.
We once sat through an endless Amway presentation… even though we had told our “friends” up front that we weren’t interested… needless to say, after sadly shaking their heads at our inability to “grab this golden opportunity”, they erased us from the Christmas card list.
You are too funny. It sounds like she puts the freak in “Jesus Freak”.
When people are only thinking of themselves, they’re no longer in the category of friend. Obviously this is where you’ve gotten with “S.” It’s a shame that sometimes this happens. I have friends who roll in and out of suckiness. I sometimes wonder if they ever say the same thing about me — although I don’t think so.
The few born again christians I knew were all recovering alcoholics. ONe of them being the male voices in DARIA. Every watch that cartoon? It’s was great!
I think I remember it saying in the bible that thou shalt have shame.
But, oh, the gaint bong on wheels. What an image; I just had a flashback.
Can I add my sucky friend to your list? You know the one in that “Pyramid” scheme thingy, trying to get us to join and buy things that we don’t need. What a loser!
I think I had that same vacuum demo! Years ago, a friend of mine went through a real sell-to-your-friends phase and it was so painful. At the end of it all she loaned me a book all about how malls would be obsolete and all retail transactions would be conducted by friend-to-friend retailers, to the enrichment of anyone smart enough to get into the pyramid early enough. And all this from a friend who in all other respects is the most giving, generous person I know (though totally unemployable).
Doesn’t it suck when you have a good friend and then you grow up and find out that that friend has changed and isn’t who she used to be? I think the vacuum selling might have been the last straw for me, but you are obviously a better person than I.
Have you ever seen the movie “Go”? It sucks basically but there’s a hilarious scene about selling amway.
I knew people that sold those vacuum cleaners and I think they get paid for each demonstration they do so they don’t care if you buy it. I’ve sat through quite a few as “favors” to friends. Whenever I’ve known someone that has taken to selling one of these products they ALWAYS lose all their friends. Even if the product is the lord. :-)
Wait! Was it like some health food non-fda tested vitamin thingie? Nate’s devout mormon aunt tried to hit us up on that one too. Sheesh. Don’t these people know they give religion a bad name when every evangelical christian the rest of us know are always selling stuff?
PS Loved Go! Great film. Sorry Mrs F!
I actually think that both of those sanctions are in the Bible. Somewhere. Didn’t Judas get damned for trading friendship for pieces of silver?
Attemptng to sell out friendship for vacuum cleaners? Evil. Pure evil.
One of my oldest (and now former) friends called me up out of the blue one day to ask if we could get together. She and her husband came over and proceeded to give us the Amway speech. Only they use euphemisms like “business opportunity” and don’t tell you it’s Amway until the end. The kicker was that while they were “building their business”, her husband was also selling Rainbow vacuums! He tried so hard to get me on a “payment plan” (30 bucks a month for like, FOREVER). And then they got audited by the IRS because they were claiming a ton of business-related expenses, except they weren’t actually making any money selling Amway. They were just writing off their utility bills, rent, credit card bills etc. There’s an even sadder ending to this story that I may post about some day.
what a frickin’ nut job. tell the wench to take a hike and leave you the HELL alone! people like that irritate me to no end. uggghhhhh.
For those of you who are truely interested in what the Bible has to say about pyramid schemes and friendships… here are a few passages I found on those two subjects.
Re: Primid Schemes.
1 Timothy 6:10
For the love of money is at the root of all kinds of evil. And some people, craving money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many sorrows.
1 Peter 5:2
Be shepherds (Peter is speaking to leaders) of God’s flock (followers of Jesus) that is under your care, serving as overseers—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve.
Re: Being a TRUE friend.
Mark 12:31
The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’There is no commandment greater than these.”
John 15:13
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
It is a sad thing to see ‘christians’ use their ‘religion’ to gain your trust and then use you for their selfish interests.
Keep the Faith!
Wow, sounds like your friend is buying into lots of new things and wants you to too. Hmmm. That is very sad when friends grow in such different directions. You would think her new religiousity would help her be a better friend/person, but it often doesn’t work that way. Why is that??
Lisa
7 am? Geez…They would be my EX-friends after that.
Yeah…those obsolete malls. Just useless piles of bricks now…rofl.
Oh I have plenty of those, too.
A $1500 Rainbow vacuum??? I’ve spent less money on a car! There should be some kind of rule for that, shouldn’t there? At the very least, at that price, the vacuum damn well better be able to be used as giant motorized bong on wheels!
When I was working my way through college, I used to work for some born-again so-called Christians, a married couple, that were just like this! Always trying to get money out of everyone, acting friendly and pious while sucking other people’s souls, and trying to justify it by explaining that they donated money to their church. The church that they ran themselves, out of their home.
I worked at a retail store they owned, which was their main venture, and actually pretty honest business on the surface, but they cut corners everywhere, including in places where it wasn’t quite legal to do so (like when they let their unemployment insurance lapse, for example, and so instituted a new policy of not firing people but instead trying to drive them crazy until they quit), and they treated their under-paid employees terribly. Their own sister/sister-in-law went to work for them after a terrible divorce left her broke and unemployed with three school-age children, and they paid her $10 an hour, with no health benefits, to be a district manager over 20 stores scattered across TWO STATES. They didn’t even reimburse her for the gasoline she used driving to every single store in her own car once every two weeks to make merchandise deliveries.
When they went out of business after she, I, and several other key employees quit over religious discrimination and constant mistreatment, I considered it divine retribution.
Sounds like my cousin. Also born-again. We used to commiserate when her sister became born-again and then she went and did it. I rarely hear from her until she and/or her husband need to raise money for a mission they are going - and how many missions does one person need to go on in one life time already. Geez (us).
LOVE those types of friends. They also love doing house parties! I think Black Belt Mamma has a post concerning that. How many candels and home decorations do I NEED?
Oh God. (Ha! I said God!) That is not a friend. That is a parasite.
There is a vacume cleaner that costs $1,500? Is it made out of moon rocks and steel forged on Venus?
There are enough people buying it that there is a sales force? Your friend is one of them and she pushed on you to buy one?
I don’t even know where to begin. She sucks more than the vacume cleaner.
So drop those kind of friends fast … no time for the wicked!
This is a brilliant idea for a feature, Izzy. Though I’m sorry you had to endure the real-life drama (seriously, the woman is a nut.)
Nothing annoys me more than people who try to make money by solely preying on their friends and family. It drives me nuts! And as far as the Born Again thing. . .
My parents recently had over for dinner a friend of my dad’s and his wife who are Born Again’s. They told my parents that white potatoes are evil and that every disease (including the type 1 diabetes that my Mom has and they know about it) are brought on by food choices. They also said that women should never wear pants and should have long hair. I would have thrown them out on their butts; my Mom tolerated it because she’s nice like that. I could have SCREAMED.
Toss that yellow envelope in the TRASH without a second thought.
when i was in high school i told one of my close friends our friendship would last as long as she didn’t try to convert me to mormonism, as that had been the end of a lot of my friendships in utah. years later, when i guess i somehow disappointed her by marrying somebody of a different religious faith than mine she let me know by calling me up and letting me know themissionaries would be by and she was the one who told them to come. i wasn’t agnry, though, i was impressed that she had remembered and had taken the trouble. though i do miss her.
We had that same vacuum demo once, and I thought we were going to have to call the police to get the guy to leave our house. Seriously.
And I hate friends who only think of you when they want you to give them money, either for some scheme or just because they need money and think they can play you for a sucker because you are supposedly their friend. They’re not friends - they’re leeches.
unfortunately I think everyone gets stuck with a few sucky friends…..ack!
Yes, she is a sucky friend but she gave you some great blog fodder.
Its not worth a $1500 vacuum, but great fodder just the same.
“Thou shall not be a shitty friend”
I’d pray to any God who handed that one down!
God, people are so annoying.
This reminded me of that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie mails an invitation to her expensive (wedding, baby, house warming) friend and registers for a pair of shoes she had stolen at the house warming. It was so true and so hilarious!!
I’m pretty good at cutting people out… and the born again crap would definitely qualify as getting the boot from my friendship list. Good lord! Actually, now that I think about it I DID cut out a girlfriend who was working on converting me. Ack! Gives me the shivers how hellish that was.
My mother wouldn’t even let us sell girl scout cookies to family friends, so profound was her fear of turning into One Who Leeches Off Her Friends. I NEVER got the cookie selling patch. But I now feel not even a little bit bad about refusing any and all invitations like this, since I’ve never subjected anyone to one, even as a kid pushing Thin Mints.
Gah. HATE those kind of friends. I have a person that likes to try to sell me Mary Kay makeup. She only refers to me as a “friend” when she wants me to buy something. Another person never calls or e-mails until its her birthday. THEN she sends an invitation to a party she has for herself. She’s also had babyshowers for herself too. So not so much a friend as a person I can’t seem to get rid of for good.
The ‘what have you done for me lately’ friends aren’t on the top of my list. Been there done that…..not fun AT ALL!!! Hope it gets better or either she moves to Siberia. :)
One day my husband proudly told me, “You can thank me later; I’m getting our carpets cleaned for free!” What commenced, unbeknownst to my husband, was a 3-hour Kirby vacuum cleaner presentation and endless talk about dust mites and the filth that lurked in our carpets. The vacuum cleaner cost $2,000, but then they kept lowering the price “as a favor” to us. “How about if I told you I could go to $1,500?” We didn’t buy it, and our friendly salespeople (who never did clean our rugs) became Royal Jerks.
Lose the “friend.”
Bleah. This is not a friend, it’s a parasite. You don’t need that one, obviously.
I personally, write the occasional post on sucky library patrons.
Oh sure “thou shalt not be a sucky friend” is in there. Don’t you remember In Matthew where Judas goes to Jesus’ house and drops off all those “Camel Chew” fundraiser forms that his kids got from soccer camp? Like Jesus didn’t have enough on his hands with the Last Supper raffle tickets.
When our so-called “friends” joined Amway and started inviting us to meet all their “amazing friends” - all of whom they met in Amway brainwashing sessions - so they could practice selling crap we didn’t need, I knew the time was ripe to disappear on them.
As luck would have it, we were in the process of planning a major relocation to a new city.
I conveniently left them off the list of folks we needed to contact before we left.
I got an e-mail from the wife a couple of years ago. She found my address on the Internet. I stopped reading as soon as I saw the word, “Amway.”
Some people never learn. Thankfully, we did. They were leeches, not friends.
I am intrigued by this Sucky Friends Diary idea. Seems like it could be an excellent regular feature on a blog.
I am sorry to hear your “friend” is like that. I am familiar with that dynamic of hearing from people only when you need something — breaking up is hard to do, but sometimes it can be worth it.
She actually wanted you to buy a $1500 vacuum from her!!?? I didn’t know there was such a thing. I thought I had lost my mind for finally giving in to the Dyson.
I have a friend that always wants me to buy clothes that she sells. You know the ones that cost $60 for something that looks like I could make it myself (and I don’t sew). No thanks!
Iz, I wanted to comment on this post a few days ago, but sometimes the B word (bible) makes my hands shake and disables my ability to process information correctly, and also, I run like hell.
but I braved the potential storm and came back to tell you that your Amway totin’ friend BITES.
gah.