A Tale of Two Balls Rides Again
When my husband and I bought our first house, I kept noticing this weird smell around the toilet in the master bathroom. It was vaguely familiar but I couldn’t quite place it. Until one day when I realized the smell was that of sweaty balls. Yes. You read correctly. The toilet had one of those plasticky toilet seats and we had intended to change it but hadn’t done it yet. And THAT was where the smelly, sweaty balls smell was coming from.The guy we bought the house from, Ted, was a real cocksmacking shithead bastard old-ass motherfucker. As you may have deduced, I didn’t care for him very much. This man, whom I loathed and who made me insanely angry SO many times while trying to buy this stupid house, had managed to stick it to us one last time with his nasty balls.
But what I really wanted to know is HOW the smell was on the toilet seat. I asked my husband if his balls touch all over the toilet seat, either inside or on it or whatever and he looked at me like WTF? Of course not.
But clearly Ted of the smelly balls was doing SOMETHING to have left his stink all over the toilet seat. What I also want to know is how his kindly wife Regina put up with it. Didn’t SHE notice the stinky sweaty balls smell? Clearly, for his ball smell to have permeated the plastic toilet seat, it had to have been BAD.
If your man had balls that smelled that bad, wouldn’t you be concerned? At the very least, wouldn’t you have bleached the holy hell out of your cheap piece-of-shit plastic toilet seat every day? If it was me, I would have bleached Ted’s balls every day, too. Suffice it to say, we went and got a new toilet seat the instant we realized the source of THE SMELL.
Incidentally, after a few months of living in the new house, a check arrived for Ted from the IRS, in an amount very close to the amount of money he had screwed us out of (did I mention that he royally shafted us, in addition to subjecting us to THE SMELL?). It was some kind of refund for overpayment. Instead of forwarding it to him, we ripped it up into tiny pieces and ceremoniously flushed it down the now infamous master bathroom toilet.
Yes. Bad karma. I know. It was worth it. My only true regret is that he probably never even knew about it.
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This has been an encore presentation from the archives as I’m still on vacation. I hope you enjoyed it. I’ve been reading blogs but on a 24000 bps modem connection, it’s sooo slow so I’m not able to comment or else I’d be on the computer forever and that would be a shame because the weather has been absolutely beautiful!
Miss you all! Wish you were here :)
OK, I wanna know how many google hits you get from people searching for “plasticky toilet seats” and “sweaty balls”. Come on, fess up.
ew ew ew ew It is one thing to smell someone you loves sweaty balls, but someone else!! ew ew ew ew
You crack me up! But how DID the smell get on the toilet seat? They just shouldn’t be touching!
Hilarious! And yucky.
I mean, we should be able to be choosy about who’s sweaty balls we’re smelling, you know? Not just some former resident for gods sake.
I loved visiting your blog, by the way. Great writing and pictures!
Hah that’s so much better than the rollercoaster wall we inherited (when you run your fingers along it, there are huge bumps). Ah lathe & plaster, how you require repairs.
But, we did have an electrician leave, uh, evidence of his presence in the toilet last week. Yeah there was lots of bleach used that night to scrub. I think he’s related to sweaty balls man.
When we moved in, one of the neighbor kids came over to ask if she could see the house. I guess one of her really good friends lived her. After we let her in (we are dumb), she told us about her and five of her friend broke into our house between the time that we bought the house and closed on it (it was uninhabited). Those little bitches broke the toilet downstairs when they all crammed into a half-bath at once for some inexplicable reason -maybe to light their crack pipes.
Love this story - so glad you reposted it, or I never would have been exposed to it!
So gross! So funny but so gross!!
And look at you taking revenge. Bet that felt good.
Thanks for that nausea-inducing piece before breakfast. I am not a germ person, but I can’t imagine not changing the toilet seat! Even before I change the keys or clean the fridge. You just confirmed why.
What a story! It cracked me up. Revenge is soooo sweet. Glad Mr. Sweaty is sweating somewhere else.
That is REVOLTING. Holy shit. And I can just see the look on your husband’s face when you asked him that question.
Good for you, flushing that check.
Just puked up my lunch. Thank you very much! This reminds me of a Sat. night Live skit, where Alec Baldwin was trying to sell his “Sweaty” balls, his family’s last name is “Sweaty” and they sell meat balls. Remember that one? Funny stuff you got Izzy.
Ewwww and good for you! Hope your having a good time!
reasons why I think you’re cool.
a) your post features the word “balls” in the subject line. hehehehe.
b) you said “balls.” hehehe.
c) I think I love you (so what am I so afraid of, I’m afraid that I’m not sure of, a love there is no cure for, do-doo-doo-do-doo).
Again…I’m loving the reruns.
Hope you are enjoying your vacation! You are so good to post some archives…I left mine for days and days…while I was on vacation.
Anyway, with regards to the balls thing, that is so disgusting…a jerk who “shafted” you…*snicker* he sounds like a real prize…
OK…. eeewwww. However it was not bad karma, it was righteous vengeance. Just look at the universe at now being whole, and balanced again…
Ewwww. Sweaty balls smell…
But thats a pretty funny story.
Well played, Izzy… well played indeed!
He Izzy, I just got back from vacation, I know what you mean about reading but not being able to comment. I was on dial up, and it would take like 5 minutes for a comment screen to come up, and by the time it did, i would have forgotten what I wanted to say anyway!
That is totally gross, but the way you wrote about it was SO FUNNY. I can just picture your contorted face as you type, muttering and thinking about the smelly ball smell. You are just so hilarious!