Growing Up: The Magical Mystery Tour
What do you remember about learning, or NOT learning the facts of life? You know — puberty, periods, sex and the like. Do you recall what you thought before you really knew what the deal was? And guys? What about you?
I ask because last night I read this really interesting post by Tori about her daughter knowing the in’s and outs of having a period and it brought back all kinds of memories of growing up female.
As I noted in Tori’s comments, my first experience with the curse, the monthly bill or as some call it, our friend, was seeing my much, much older sister changing her maxi pad in the bathroom when I was about 4. I was simultaneously mystified and horrified. She shooed me out of there but later I went back into the bathroom, plucked her pad out of the trash, unwrapped it and just looked at it. If I’d known the expression back then, you can bet I would have been saying “WTF????”
Later, at a large holiday gathering I told everyone at the table about my discovery and even used my grandfather’s hankie as a prop to demonstrate how my sister put on a maxi pad.
Yeah. She’s still a little pissed about that.
I wouldn’t have any more period shenanigans for quite some time after that and though I recall whispers and mentions of “the period” as I got older. it wasn’t until I read Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret by my beloved Judy Blume, when I was about 9 or 10 that I started to form a vague idea of what it was all about. I became very interested in the gear and would often peek inside people’s cabinets to see if they had any tampons or pads. My mom had the pads so those were no big deal but the tampons intrigued me. You must understand that I still was not clear on the bleeding part or where it actually came from so I was very curious as to where this big old Q-tip was supposed to go.
Rather fortuitously, around that same time, my mom got me a book that was supposed to take care of everything and edumacate me on the mysterious details of womanhood. But it really didn’t help all that much. I had all the information…you know, like you bleed every 28 days to shed the uterine lining unless you’re pregnant yada yada yada but the diagrams were so scientific; so encyclopedic. It was hard to relate to or even imagine that I had all that weird stuff inside me.
And sex? Oh yeah, I definitely wanted the scoop on sex. Forget it. No mention of the deed whatsoever. The book was strictly hoo-has and other lady parts. All I knew about sex or “baby-making” was what I learned from an after- school special, which was also rather vague and as I recall, kind of cartoony. But it wouldn’t be long before information and MIS-information trickled down from older girls.
As I recall, the first real scoop I ever heard about anything sexual was from my friend’s sister. She had befriended Lola, a French exchange student that we were in total awe of and Lola had informed her that when you “suck a boy’s penis” your lips get salty. I was all “Ewwww! Why the hell would anyone want to do THAT???” And really…salty?? Not quite how I’d describe it but I suppose it’s in the ball park of accurate. At the time, though, I imagined my lips crusted with salt crystals like a pretzel…lol
And I’ll never forget my cursory introduction to concept of homosexuality. Again, the same older sister as before was outside with my friend and I and in the distance, a girl name Jo rode past on the boulevard. Big sister and Jo exchanged some snarky words and then my friend’s sister shouted out what sounded like “You’re a lead!”
As usual, I was clueless.
“Lead?” I asked, “Why is she calling her a lead?”
And my friend broke into gales of laughter. “Not LEAD!!! LEZ!!!”
Me: Lez?
Friend: Yeah, lez.
Me: What’s a lez?
Friend: A girl that likes girls
Me: So?
Friend: A girl that likes girls instead of boys
Me: Ohhhhh.
I tried to play it off but I was SO confused.
In the next few years, I would learn the more accurate facts about sex but never from a parent. My mom passed away before I ever even got my period (at age 14 I was a late bloomer) and my stepmom did try to have “the talk” with us but my stepsister and I tormented her with the most ridiculous questions and then laughed hysterically.
I plan on teaching my daughter all that puberty stuff as we go along and definitely, I want her to know everything about her period before age nine because girls develop SO early now. We’ve drunk organic milk since I was pregnant with her and we eat mostly organic meats so she’s being deprived of all those synthetic growth hormones. Add to that the fact that I was the last girl of all my friends to “become a woman” and it’s entirely possible that she, too, will be a late bloomer. Hopefully, if that’s the case, she won’t hate it as much as I did.
As for the big sex talk, I guess that sort of goes along with the period talk but God, nine seems awfully young to be discussing such mature things. I do suspect I’m deluding myself, though, and that if I waited any longer, I run the risk of being laughed at and ridiculed like my poor stepmother was.
She’ll be six in a couple months and nine in only three years. I only have three years (or less) to address all of this.
*deep breath*
God, I dread this growing up shit.
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On a totally different note, if you’re interested, check out this blog design I finished this weekend. Betty was a dream to work with and thanks to Kristen for the referral!
This is one reason I’m glad I only have a son to worry about (for now anyway). I plan to force the husband to explain the whole sex thing to him–though I will definitely be monitoring the convo from the other room to make sure I approve of all that he is saying.
P.S. I’m all about organic milk too. Good stuff. I mean, my hormones are wacky enough without adding the bovine growth hormone to the mix!
This totally cracked me up…until I remembered that I’d eventually have to have the same talk with my daughter. Crap.
Yes, good for you for going organic.
As for the sex stuff, I asked my mom about babymaking when she was pregnant with my brother. I was 5, and she explained the basic facts clearly, in a very age-appropriate way. It was never a big mystery to me, and she made it clear that I could always go to her with questions. It worked out well. With my own kids, I plan to try to cultivate an environment in which they feel comfortable asking all kinds of questions, and then answer the sex questions as they come up.
I’m not looking forward to the talks, however, anything I do will be better than what my mom did (NOTHING). And I hope that my openness and honesty will be refreshing for her.
Or she’ll hate me.
I’ll just remind her that I ate 4 foods for a year while breastfeeding her little butt. Maybe that will help :)
Nice new blog skins there lady.
Oy. I’d really rather not think about it. Suffice it to say, I felt guilty for asking questions (using terms that I didn’t understand and to which my mother objected, such as “rubber”) and was led to believe that sex is a take-it-or-leave-it kind of act. Not to mention some of the outright lies: “Mom, how many times did you and Dad have sex before you got pregnant with me?” “Um, about five.” Hello, how about a little honesty here? Just because you tell me that people enjoy sex doesn’t mean I’m going to race out and do it too.
What a great topic. My mom explained everything to me at an early age, so I’ve known the basics for as long as I can remember, and I plan to do the same thing with my kids. At the same time, there are certain things she left out… I was in grade ELEVEN when I discovered, to my shock, that there’s more to sex than a quick in-and-out. I think I had considered sex to be somewhat in the same category as a vaccination. (Yes, there’s more than one way to be a late bloomer.)
Oh my gosh, I’m hyperventilating.
My daughter is nine. And l haven’t had the sex talk with her yet. And I don’t wanna. Please don’t make me. If you and I could learn these things out on the street, can’t she?
I know, I know. I have to buck up and start talking. But I was a late bloomer, (really late, like 15 almost 16) and I’m hoping for a year or two of lee way.
By then she should be so damn confused it should be easier. Right???
God help me, I have to grow up so my baby can…
I may have to write a post about this since I don’t want to take over your whole comments section with my story. The short version is: nobody ever talked to me about sex, so I had sex rather early to find out what it was all about.
Parents, talk to your kids. They will find out one way or another and IMO talking is a better way.
Love the design!
Currently, I’m tip-toeing through the facts with my own daughter. More like stepping and dodging sometimes. But thanks for mentioning Judy Blume … I’d forgotten all about her. Maybe I’ll pick up a few new books this week …
Teddy Willobughy in the 3rd grade… he told me everything and I was so perplexed that I sort of ignored the whole concept… until my mother got pregnant and she and my dad bought me a little “understanding” book and I had to see that Teddy hadn’t been lying!
Then, a few laters later, I read a verboten copy of “FOREVER” and was really squicked out…
NOT looking forward to the talk, but I WILL have the talk. I never got the talk from my parents, but instead got all the same misinformation you did, as funny as it was. My daughter will be seven soon and I’ll just play it by ear as to the when.
I learned the facts of life at 3rd grade from a YOUNGER kid than me!And I thought the whole thing riduculous. When I told my mom the story and asked if it was true, she mumbled a meek, “yes” while ironing.
I went to a Catholic grade school. And in church I would think about it and start to feel sick almost throw up….
Thanks for the awesome design work Izzy!! Like I said before “you are a creative goddess!”
And as for this “friend of the month” talk…oh boy! Not going to think about it yet. Sophia is only 16 months old, and I’d love for her to stay that way forever.
Our kids are exactly the same age:
George’s birthday is July 18th 2005
Aidan’s, September 6th 2000.
I had not thought about educating Aidan about sex at all. Not even once. Not even for a nanosecond.
I wonder if it’s because he is a boy. I wonder, if he was a girl, If like yourself, I’d be worried.
Great story! I laughed and now I’m about to cry…
As a Dad, I’m dreading that “day” when we have to have “the talk” with our daughter - Well, my wife will go first at it, alone, about the woman-mechanics stuff and then me about the harsh reality about boys brains going dead for the next 7-12 years and being preoccupied about imagining every woman naked.
I’m just hoping the talk is in the car, or somewhere casual. You know, in one of those teaching moments places and not on the living room sofa where both parents are staring at you like grandma just died…(like on those ABC after-school specials.)
I think you gotta teach them little by little and answer their questions in a casual way so they’re not freaked out… My parents were too weirded out about it to talk about it at all to me. I was really young for my age too, I had ADHD and was very emotioanlly behind. Anyway in fourth grade they did the thing where they separate the girls and the boys, and they told us about sex and periods and stuff. When my mom picked me and my little brother up from school the next day, I was loudly and excitedly explaining all that I had learned! My mom was really embarassed.
- Angel
ha! you’ve inspired me to write a post on this very issue. right now we are explaining my pregnancy to my 3 yr old as “daddy planted a seed and mommy is growing it in her tummy..” which which undoubtedly fuck him up somewhere down the line.
My friend had a whole set of “Life Cycle” books that her mom bought her. We poured over them reading every little sentence. It was funny. I sometimes wonder if all of our moms got together, bought them and planted them. They filled in the blanks as we had questions.
We’ve done the age appropriate way too, on a need to know basis. It’s worked like a charm. She’s 9 and is very prepared for Aunt Flo to visit. American Girl books has a title “The Care & Keeping of You” that I highly recommend as well.
I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about! My little girl just turned 5 and she ALREADY asks me about “stuff” I’m just not ready to discuss…it’s those darn older twins that go to her babysitters! My sister wants a girl, but I keep telling her to stick to the boys…they don’t deal with ALL that!
You are wise to have “the TALK” early. I was ridiculed for talking to my nine-year old about it (never mind that she was already getting BOOBS for God’s sake), but I did and lo and behold, she started at summer camp! Just be sure that you make it clear it could start days, weeks, months or years from now. Drama Queen told her teacher that she was going to start, “any day now,” and I got called in for a meeting. Urgh.
Can’t wait for that talk with my daughter ~ not! Ugh, it gives me goose bumps already. Oh and I checked out your new design. I like it!
I have blocked out the trauma of talking to my kids about S-E-X
Hey, I started at summer camp, too. I felt so alone and weird and confused.
Oh Lord. I was 9ish. My mom send my dad out of the house and told me when two people are married, they get naked in bed and make a baby. Jesus. Then I got the “you might bleed but that’s normal” talk. That was followed by the standard “if you have any questions, just ask” speech. I remember asking a question and the look on her face was one straight from the horror movies, so I never did again.
And that was it for sex. At 9, I was sent off in the world with all the knowledge-from-parents-on-sex I was ever gonna get.
After that came sex ed from NUNS. Basically, you’ll go to hell if you have premarital sex, you’ll go to hell if you use birth control, you’ll go to hell for touching yourself, you get the drift. Way to screw up a kid’s head.
So I, too, learned from Judy Blume. Margaret as well as FOREVER. I remember reading that under the covers with a flashlight … but, and this is so sad, I learned how to kiss from the sex scene in Top Gun when Kelly McGillis and Tom Cruise are shot in sillhoutte and you see tongues?
So, so, so sad.
I didn’t “do the deed” until I was 18 … and then I prayed for forgiveness. Jesus.
Anyway, good for organic. We are, too! No meat, though, the kid and I went veggie. Not the hubby, though, he’s a three-meat pizza kinda guy.
I just looked really closely when my parents fast forwarded any sex scenes in movies - that’s how I learned about sex. hah!
It was all playground and sex ed in grade 5. We’re kidless for now, but the plan is that it’s all about the little bits of age appropriate info.
I remember “the talk” we had in 5th grade, when they put the boys and girls in different rooms and told the girls all about their periods. God that was an embarrassing day.
As for learning about sex, I don’t remember how I learned about it. Maybe it was from school, more likely it was from another kid, but it wasn’t from my mom.
My Mom was a big hippie. NOTHING went unsaid - even to my horror at some times. She told my friends when their parents wouldn’t. She was almost too open. Even with all that, after my first kiss, I thought I had gotten pregnant and worried that I would get kicked out of school. I felt like such an asshole when my Mom told me (while trying not to laugh) that’s not how it worked.
Oh and using the wrong words? Don’t even get me started on what I used to think Lebanese people used to do to each other.
My mother was so open, almost to a fault, that I don’t remember anything but knowing the facts. I do remember however watching Animal House when I was ten and when the chick on the football field said, “I lied too. I’m only thirteen” I wondered what the big deal was. I mean she was thirTEEN. A teenager!
Oh and I definitely heard the word lez throughout my childhood. Signed, the former “Liz the Lez.” Mean kids.
This is a great topic! My mother said the word “sex” to me ONCE. I was married, my son was 3, and she said, “Do you think you’ll have any more children?” I said, “Yes.” She replied, “So you’re going to have sex again?” And I said, “Yep, just once.” :-) Little did I know that I actually was pregnant with my daughter when this conversation occured! I’m 42 and divorced and I figure she’s lost the timing to talk to me about any of that stuff. I got the “Are You There God It’s Me Margaret” book, she gave me pads when I got my period. Period. Finito. That was it. My daughter is 10 and knows about periods etc. She asked about menopause and I told her what that was. When she asked me what a virgin is I said, “I don’t know.” She said, “You don’t know?” “That’s right, I don’t know.” I still have a long way to go. And my 14 year old son? That’s another story all together!!!!
I didn’t want to know anything about the facts of life. I knew i needed to know something and I avoided the subject like crazy. When my older sister got her period my mom decided it was time for me to hear it too. It was just about periods though, no sex. I learned all that on my own by sneaking dirty books from my stepmom’s shelf.
Oh, man. I could go on about this forever. Just reading this brought back so many memories!
I first heard about it from a book my parents got me. Good book but forget the name. What’s Happening To Me? I think it’s called. My mom turned my getting my period into this little mini celebration. Took me to the store for “supplies” and I was able to choose a few presents for myself. Very cool now that I think back about it. First learned about sex from school I think, then later friends, then first hand experience lol.
That new design is just awesome, looks very good!
I’m not looking forward to it, but I hope that by talking to my kids, I can limit their confusion somewhat. I remember being totally, totally confused for years about what a condom was because of the way my mom tried to draw it on a piece of paper for me, LOL.
Would it be wrong to just hand one’s daughter a copy of Are You There, God? and be done with it? Would it?
Oh God…this totally reminds me about the time my mother attempted to tell us about sex. IT WAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE!! My mother was using her sketchy knowledge about how the deed is done and didn’t enjoy using the clinical terms for genitalia, so we had to settle for “up there” and “down there”. I had already read a lot on my own and wanted to help her out a little, but I also wanted her to just stop talking because I could tell she hated having to tell us. When she finished it off by using the word “sacred” I thought…oh man! Now she’s just making stuff up!
Awful. Simply awful.
My mom was 40 when I was born so she was from a completely different erra and sex talk was taboo. She was very vague in her descriptions and gave me no idea of what anything would actually e like. Thank you so much for posting this. Prior to reading this, I thought I was the only person who riffled through the trash looking at other people’s pads, and their cupboards to see if they had them. I’m so grossed out about it, when I think back now…
When I was 9, my mother called the library and told them to get some books ready for me about growing up. Ya, okay…. Those books don’t even begin to touch on the subject. When I bought Are You There God It’s Me Margret, I started to feel more normal and to understand more about periods.
My mother had told me that if a boy touches you, you will get pregnant. One day when I was 9 I was swimming with my father one day, diving off his knees into the water. His hand slipped. I spent the next four weeks wondering if I was pregnant.
I promised myself when I learned the true ways of the world, that I would follow in my mothers footsteps and teach my children the way she taught me. My kids are going to know the facts, no holds barred.
My oldest two sons and I talk about sex openly. My 14 year old knows that I would prefer he stay abstinent. He also knows that if he is ever going to do anything and is too embarrassed to buy condoms himself to come to Jake or I. He also knows never to believe a girl who says she’s on the pill - and that the pill does not protect against disease. It’s this darned age we live in that forces us to be so upfront about sexuality. I don’t want him to be a teenage father, and I know some of his friends are having sex. I can tell him not to do it all I want - but he might - and if he does I don’t want him to become a teenage father or a herpes statistic - so a little education is a necessary thing.
I’m sure you didn’t mean for this to be funny. But that last line about “sacred”…I couldn’t help giggling a little.
Feel free to post whatever you want here. It’s cool :)
In the 5th grade we would look over the stall of the only girl with her period. She would let us and we were so so curious. Now that I think about it, that’s so gross. I started not long after at the ripe ole age of 11. It just doesn’t seem right that girls would have to deal with that in elementary school. I don’t remember having the “talk” with my mom, but I do remember that she showed me a book with pictures and I had nightmares for years. This growing up stuff does suck. Good luck! I don’t have to worry to much until my boys start to get hairy balls EWWWWWW, then we’ll see how my husband explains that.
PS holy moly - that blog is AWESOME. You never cease to amaze, lady. And just when I am amazed, you go and top yourself in the amaze Mom101 department.
Sex? I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean by “sex”. That concept is foreign to me. :)
Seriously, my parents avoided the sex talk. I think they decided to let me find out about the birds and the bees in the next best place - Catholic School. I’m horrified at the thought of having to have “the talk” with my daughter. I feel completely underqualified.
SO, I have not had the sex talk with my daughter(she’s 8) as she has not asked… But I do not shy away from topics… It is just when she is ready she will talk about it… as our topics range daily… from topics from school like… what is lice? how come D has two daddies? what are pinworms?
to personal…I really feel tingly when I watch the pirate movie.. is that right??? to if you and dad fight does that mean you’ll break up?
i miss uncle dis momma, do u think his body misses us as much as his spirit?
I think that I have such an open dialogue and she does seem to have so much faith in me..(Pretty scarey)that it will slowly get to that point of talking about sex… and after the talk about pinworms… anything is up from there…
That being said I was such a naivetee… I remember when I was about 19 years old and I was working in a bar… one of the waitresses said she was going home to ‘fuck the dog’…
I avoided her for the week!
They never mentioned that in Are You There God, It’s me Margaret!
My mother taught Sex Ed in MY high school and never broached the topic with me or my siblings AT ALL. My kids will know things as they need to (but they probably know too much already because I, um, wrote a sex book). The things we do for money…
Hold up, woman! What kind of sex book are we talking about?
Like a Susie Bright kind of sex book? Or a “Fear of Flying” kind of sex book? Or a Madonna-type sex book?
They never mentioned that in Are You There God, It’s me Margaret!
No, come to think of it, that definitely wasn’t covered in Judy Blume’s homage to puberty…lol
Great post Izzy. I learned everything from Judy Blume. My mom bought me an outdated book at a yard sale (it was literally dusty) and it was so antiquated and had no talk of sex or the thiings I really wanted to know. I ended up embarassing myself with some ridiculous questions in grade nine health class as a result. Sigh
OMG - the above commenter said what I was going to! Judy Blume here too!
My mom did talk to me - but she overloaded me so much on information. I thought you could get pregnant via kissing w/tongue. Seriously. So I would see a couple making out on the school bus on the way home and think, “Oooooh! She’s gonna get pregnant!” Then I thought it was from urinating on someone. I saw a picture someone drew at a college in 6th grade of that, and it said, “Planting the seed” and I was like, “Ew! That’s how I got here in the world? GROSE!”
Anyway…eventually I finally asked my mom for the answers to my questions. I had to, because I was feeling quite stupid at that point.
Just wait til she takes The Sexual Education Classes. Sweet Jesus.
Dude, that post was hilarious! (and a little scary :)
your story: logically terrifying. It’s why I’m scared to pieces to have a girl-child.
that web-design: genius. It’s why I’m seriously entertaining the thought of requesting that you doll up the joint over at my place. (iffen you gots the time, natch. I realize you’re getting to be in pretty high demand, these days. And rightly so, sister. Rightly so.)
xo
Maybe… It was covered in the other Judy Blume classic called Deenie????
It was like porn for 11 year olds…
My mom tried to talk to us about sex but she was so embarrassed and made it a very hush hush-don’t-ever-talk-about-this-in-front-of-boys type of thing that it became very confusing. I remember when I discovered that not only did people not JUST have sex in order to reproduce… but that they also took all their clothes off (which I was pretty sure was a sin, married or not) to do it… I was flabbergasted. I didn’t know anything about a period until we went into the rooms to talk about them in forth grade or so. But that was fine. I got it when I was 13 and I knew what was happening, but instead of asking for my mom, I asked for a friend to help me.
The new blog design is purty.
As for the whole learning about sex thing, I am so torn. I want to be the one who educates Girlie (as opposed to misinformed peers) but I really don’t know when the right time is. I drew a cartoon about this awhile back and since I’m on vacation and lazy about blogging, maybe I’ll repost it. (As in, if I can figure out how to do it on Wordpress).
Thanks for your comments at the Poop Deck. I hope the whole Alberto thing wasn’t too bad. The news here is sketchy.
Good post. Thanks the gods for are you there god it’s me margaret.
-Lisa
I read most of the comments, which made me realize how different sex ed is for most boys. I think every boy I knew got their “sex education” from porn. I went to an episcopal school where there was a giant stash of porn magazines hidden in the church basement underneath the steeple! The location of the stash was a secret you carefully passed on to the next generation of curious pre-pubertal boys when they were ready.
THE BOOKS! THE BOOKS! Did you book have “the pubes?” MINE DID. I feel like my biggest parenting accomplishment has been that my daughter knows where to point when I say “…and where is your VAGINA?”
I’m grateful that I had a mother brave enough to tell me everything I wanted to know, even when she thought I may have been too young to process the information. I firmly believe that knowledge empowering, no matter what your age. My 3 and 6-year-old girls already know that one of them came out of my vagina during childbirth and the other was removed via an incision the doctor made in my belly.
Funny I came here today, I just bought my daughter the “Are you there God” book this week! I’m not sure that she’s old enough for it but she’s started reading it anyway.