I Bit the Bullet

Posted by on May 11, 2006

I did it. I bit the bullet and went jeans shopping. Why? Because I’m cheap, dammit. Through my employer, I occasionally get these special discount cards for major department stores and if you’re savvy (read: cheap like me) you can really rock the discount and save some big $$$. So, irresistibly drawn to that place most unholy the mall with the lure of new jeans on the cheap, I put my game face on and hit the racks.

Okay, I have just one thing to say. WHY do fashion designers hate me so? What did I EVER do to them? First they come out with these hideous low-rise things that do nothing but make my already not-so-great ass disappear, but they showcase all my post-baby mid-section gushiness, too. I would be content to ignore their existence and let other people look bad in them if there were some other jeans out there that looked better than “eh” on me. Sadly, it could never be that simple *sigh*

And it gets worse. Have you SEEN the abomination that are skinny-leg jeans? I look like a denim drumstick in those things. They weren’t that great in the 80′s either but at least back then I didn’t resemble poultry while wearing the skinny-legged evil.

Ladies…it’s only a matter of time before my beloved bootcut, the kindest cut of all, is but a distant memory. Get them now before they’re all gone.

So anyway, the shopping. Yes. It was not so great. Everything is stretchy now and low cut stretch denim always falls down on me. So big deal, right? I should just yank them back up. Well, that only works properly when you don’t have a 24lb baby on your hip. Ultimately, I have one side up and the other side drooping down. It’s not my best look. Or anyone’s best look. But as much as I loathe the stretch, I ended up with some DKNY Soho jeans. They were $48 and I saved about $19 so it was a good deal but I’m not madly in love with these jeans. They’re “eh”. Believe me, I would have bought the $170 Lucky or Juicy Couture jeans if they’d fit me better. I am so picky and hard to fit that when I find something that I do like, I will stop being cheap and throw down whatever they’re asking. I would not, however, pay $75 for an ugly green Juicy Couture T shirt. Ever.

This is probably just because I am jealous of rich people, or so says Alice.

(Ladies and gentleman. I’ve hit the big time. Tonight I received my first trollish comment. Courtesy of Alice, my little blog is now rubbing elbows with the dooces and Suburban Blisses of the world. Yay.)

The funniest part, however, is that it was in regard to the Real Housewives of the OC post I did about a month ago. *rolls eyes*

According to the all-knowing Alice, I am just jealous because I am “stuck in middle class America“. It seems that my opinions (as well as those of the other commenters) have absolutely nothing to do with the shallow, vacuous nature of the show and the people on it. No. We hated the show and ragged on the so-called real housewives because they have money and we need to “Grow up, some people live comfortably, you cant hate them for that.”

I can’t? Uh…okay. If it makes you feel better to believe that, then by all means, please do. I wouldn’t dream of furthering a dispute with you over RHOC . No sirreeee. That would go against my very strict policy of only arguing with people lucid enough to separate reality from reality TV :)


  • Jerri Ann says:

    I have what I describe as “not a blue jean body”. I’m telling you, I’ve never had on a pair of jean, no matter the cost, that looks good on me. I actually have no ass and a big muffin belly…it’s not as bad as it sounds. I have the muffin to make for a big waist, then I have nothing below it. Therefore, I need big waisted jeans that are not baggy in the tummy and butt…not happening..no where!

  • krista says:

    Is “Alice” one of the biggest names in blogging?

    Or does she just come with the fame?

    And the narrow leg jeans. I fear. I did not realize they were coming “back” in style.

    Also, a friend recently informed me that ACID WASH is coming back! Quick run for the hills!

  • Marcie says:

    I did the dreaded jeans shopping a few months ago. I bought some Gap curvy jeans that I like a lot. They aren’t low- waisted and they are boot cut. Just a tip.

  • Rhonda says:

    Ewww, what a bitch. Oh trolls, I haven’t got that yet :)

    And as for jeans, hooray to even get a pair of jeans that you kind-of like :)

  • Pattie says:

    Alice needs to get a life.
    With that said, the Gap has some great jeans….boot cut even and they are pretty affordable. I have about four pairs and I really like them. They don’t swallow your butt, either.

  • Christina says:

    I’ve been thinking of trying the Gap curvy jeans. I tried the Old Navy curvy boot cut jeans yesterday, but it was a disaster. I’m apparently too curvy even for the curvy jeans. Sigh.

    And hey, it must have been troll day in the blogosphere, because I got one also, and it was just as dumb.

  • Izzy says:

    Pattie & Marcie –

    People have been telling me about the Gap’s jeans since the last time bitched about how much I hate low-rise pants and I haven’t actually been in there to see for myself. In the past (not recently) I never, ever had luck at the Gap. I am long-legged and short-waisted and kind of boyishly built. For as long as I can remember, the Gap never had anything that fit me but it sounds like they’re finally getting a clue so I will definitely check them out.

    lol @ “swallow your butt”

  • fidget says:

    Te awesome thing about blogs and commenting is when you get a troll you have written proof. then it provides great fodder for said blog where everyone who loves and supports you will rise up and taunt the idiot that decided not to argue sensibly or even in a TIMELY manner, but rather resorted to the old I have nothing better to say so “grow up” to which my first knee jerk response is “Why don’t you grow up and go away because everytime i look at you I throw up”

    Jeans shopping- HATE it… My selection is even narrower considering that my inseam is like a 54. Not to mention that my ass and waist are not proportionate to one another so IF i find something long enough and it fits my ass, my waist is swimming and i make a swooshing sound when I walk

  • J. says:

    I used to like jeans shopping.
    That was back in the days before my ass spread into three.

    I went and read her comment. Too funny. I’m coming to realize there are a crapload of people out there pounding out their aggresion/suppresion on their keyboards. Duh.

  • “Denim drumstick” – you’re killing me!

    Fashion designers have hated me since I was a child, which proves that they are evil, because how could you purposely make a child cry because Jordache jeans simply do not fit her?

    I’m digging the Old Navy boot cut jeans. But they’ve got the spandex too, which I’m not sure I like. I had to buy another pair because the first pair has apparently gotten too big. I don’t think I’ve gotten smaller – I think I just dry them with too much heat and the spandex cries uncle and dies.

  • tlwest says:

    I have 3 pairs of jeans and I am now on a diet so I can get back in to them as I wont go shopping for any more. Haha Dillards is making money off our breed — real jeans for real woman start at 169.00 that was in todays paper! For that kind of money I could have jeans made for me…

  • kittenpie says:

    Why is people’s first response so often, “Oh, she must be jealous?” Other things motivate people’s reactions too. Like disgust, pity, horror…

    As to jeans, yeah, they are tricky. BUt truly, have faith that this skinny jeans thing will not last. They try it out on us every few years, but it never sticks because no one likes it. It doesn’t flatter anyone. They don’t sell well. People wearing them get slaughtered in “fashion don’ts” pages. They are not here to stay. And I second the vote for GAP – last time I went jeans shopping, the people there made me into their personal mission for half and hour or so and I tried on every jean in the place. Including some men’s ones they fetched me. And I found a great one – long and lean. I protested that I was in fact far from long and lean, but she said the point of the jean was to make you LOOK long and lean. So there you go – who doesn’t want that?!

  • Kvetch says:

    I guess one of the benefits of being unpopular — oops, I mean undiscovered — is that all my comments, thus far, have been awesome. I hope that if I do get something nasty one day that it’s as absurd and stupidly mean as Alice’s. But no matter if we shrug her off – you did not deserve it. Anyway, she is so *behind* the times commenting on an old post. Perhaps she is “stuck in middle school level” reading and just can’t keep up with your well-written, intelligent posts like the rest of us. I’m just sayin’…

  • Stephanie A. says:

    LOL “denim drumstick” oh the visual, izzy, oh the visual!

  • Redneckmommy says:

    Jean shopping is a nightmare for me too. Thanks to three kids and an ass that likes to rest on the back of my thighs. (Really, are there no parts of me that aren’t lazy asses? hee hee)

    I go twice a year and I drink heavily before I go. Yes, I admit to being the stumbling lush wandering through the malls, but in my defense, I have a rockin’ good time. That is until I sober up and realize I bought jeans that make me look like I have muffin top.

    P.S. Welcome to the big time baby. You’re own little troll. It is a proud moment.

  • mrsfortune says:

    OH, you can SO hate them for that- living comfortably! I do. Well, not *hate* maybe but resent? Sure thing! And jeans shopping? I’d ALMOST rather go try on bikinis in January. Almost.

  • Jess says:

    Shopping for jeans is as traumatic as trying on bathing suits. The stretch can be tricky, shoot for something with only 3% lycra. Rigid denim is really better for holding in the goods. You should check out bluefly.com for premium denim on the cheap. Not that I’ve obsessed over this issue, or anything. Right.

    Congrats on your first troll!

  • A troll? You made it! At least that’s what my readers said when I got one a few weeks back. The thing that kills me about trolls is this: if they hate you so badly, then why do they even bother to finish reading, let alone post a comment. It shows they care, and that is the funniest part of it all. What’s even more fun is when you can use their stupid comment to make an entire post full of making fun of them. I had a blast, and hope you did too.

    As for the jeans, I need to go so badly. The nursing diet has taken off so much of the weight that my usual unsightly areas are not quite as unsightly anymore and my current jeans had already conformed to those shapes, so I’m walking around in jeans that look like the early-pregnancy-still-trying-to-shove-yourself-into-non-maternity-clothes jeans. Shapeless. I’m hoping I can put off the jean shopping until fall, AND if the boot cuts go away, I’ll have to just wear sweats.

  • jennster says:

    i HATE the thin legged jeans.. if bootcut leaves i will CRY IN EVER STORE I VISIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! who the fuck wants their jeans to hug their legs all the way down teh end?! don’t they know that the flared feet, make your ass look more even?! LOL

  • It strikes me as odd that so many women complain about the low-rise, skinny-legged jeans–and yet these are the only damn things fashion designers are putting on the shelves/racks/tables. I think I could make a killing if I could sew. I’d start making decent jeans for REAL women. I want things covered, but I still want to look good darnit. Is that too much to ask?

  • wordgirl says:

    Oh god NOOO! Skinny-leg jeans are back? It’s the end of civilization as we know it.

  • I’m meeting a friend in thirty minutes to go shopping, but I don’t think I can bear to try on any clothes. I’m PMSing and bloaated like a pregnant whale. I’ll just blow my whole wad on makeup and purses. Oh, and coffee.

    (P/S I’m not sure if you check old posts, but I left you a comment on your Audio blog. I loved it!)

  • Heather says:

    Yay new jeans! I learned a long time ago you can’t have a battle of wits with someone who isn’t armed. I’m guessing Alice is of that variety.

  • bridgermama says:

    This frickin’ jean dilema really pisses me off. I have about a billion pairs of perfectly lovely jeans, that I refuse to get rid of, but am not able to wear due to my newly acquired soft nougetty center. So I have purchased crappy jeans to get me through. I said that if I ever get down to where I used to be, I will splurge and spend mucho $$$ for designer duds. I have a feeling that my checkbook will never take that hit.

    Oh and I am extremely jealous of the Real Housewives. I would kill to have my face that f*#ked up due to plastic surgery.

  • supa says:

    “soft nougetty center,” ha. I have one of those too. It likes to rest on the waistband of my low-riding bootcut jeans.

    I have a sister in high school and she reports these items are on their way back: Straight legs jeans, jelly shoes, leggings, and the color teal. Am considering leaving the country.

  • Sarah says:

    I think you just channeled all of my feelings on the low rise pants.

    Hey! Let’s showcase all my stretch marks. That would be fantastic if we could also make my butt look completely flat.

  • Sue says:

    Denim drumsticks…that is pure gold, Izzy. You rock!

    Still anticipating the ass-off at BlogHer…and sitting here eating Hot ChexMix to improve my chances of World Giant Rump Domination.

  • cameo says:

    who the hell is alice? one of the effected girls from the show? i don’t waste brain cells on shows like that. and i’m still in my maternity jeans. ahhhhh that sucks!

  • Dawn says:

    Me and the blue jeans – a definate love hate relationship.

    Which is why I wear my three pair into the ground….

    And a real troll? I’m actually kinda jealous…

  • Mom101 says:

    Sh, don’t tell anyone…I’m still wearing my Liz Lange for target maternity jeans. THey’re the best fitting jeans I’ve ever owned! If only they didn’t fall down over my ass crack every time I move more than an inch.

  • Petite Mommy says:

    I have major issues with jeans. I’m very petite so I don’t fit in women’s sizes so I have to buy the size for 12 year old girls and I can rarely find a pair without hearts and glitter! Ugh! If I do find a pair then they are for stick bodies because, hello, how many 12 year old’s have woman-like curvy bodies ? Um, none!
    I used to buy 00 women’s size from a store in our local mall but it went out of business! So I’m back to the kids section again!

  • Jenny says:

    The only jeans that ever worked for me were bugle boys I stole from a boyfriend. I wore them until the crotch as so threadbare I could see through them in bright light.

    My God I miss those jeans. The boyfriend…not so much.

  • kittenpie says:

    p.s. – Not that I think you’re wrong about the troll, but I am getting freaked out by all the Alice-hating comments because my name is Alice too! (But I am not THAT Alice.)

  • Nancy says:

    After I had Rosie I decided to get a couple of pairs of cheap jeans from Target, just to tide me over until I’d lost the pregnancy weight. Well, I’ve lost some, but not enough to get me back into my old pairs… so I’m still wearing the damn cheap jeans. I’ve decided to bite the bullet here soon and try to invest in some decent (read: expensive) pairs. I’ll let you know how it goes.

    And may I say congrats at your first troll. You have hit the big time! Still no trolls for me, so I guess I’m still an amateur. ;-)

  • Congratulations on your troll. I think you should take her shopping for blue jeans next time. She’ll tell you how you really look in that pair. What a gal.

  • Kristen says:

    I SOOO have those jeans you just bought. For real. And the skinny jeans – I refuse to acknowledge their existence.

    And Alice? Alice? Who the fuck is Alice? (you know the song, right? – of course you do…) :)

  • Stacy says:

    What I wouldn’t give to find a good pair of jeans that actually fit and don’t slide down to show off my butt crack to the world. Designers just don’t like mom bodies I guess. The best I can do is Gap Long and Lean but even those are starting to annoy me. Someone needs to start a revolution!

  • Amy says:

    Skinny jeans are horrible. WHY would they bring those back? I just spent almost $100 on a pair of jeans from Lucky because I was DESPARATE, and nothing from Old Navy, Gap, Levis, Express, etc. etc. etc. would work. The Lucky ones are only okay. And I spent $100 on them!! YUCK.
    I wonder what kind of jeans Alice wears?

  • TB says:

    The trick to jeans shopping is to go to a store that specializes in jeans, not the Gap, like a high end store. They know their product and they know how it will fit you. You pay a little more, but I swear in the end it’s totally worth it because you end up with a pair of jeans that fits like a glove and you save money on all the other ill fitting pairs you didn’t buy.
    Additionally it’s great for your self esteem. You have to trust me on this.

  • Izzy, do you know what happens when ultra low rise non-stretch designer jeans get too tight and ride way up your ass, cutting off the blood supply to your brain?

    In a word: Alice.

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