My daughter has beautiful eyes. My hub has blue eyes and I have brown and hers are this gorgeous hazel-ish color. I totally covet them.
Being adopted, I’ve never looked like anyone in my family. And even though I didn’t KNOW I was adopted for like, my whole life, I was keenly aware that I shared no resemblance to anyone in the clan (I know..how did I not have a clue? Uh…well because you don’t expect that anyone would ever deceive you on such a massive scale. That’s how.)
Anyway, when I saw these lovely hazel colored contacts at my optometrist’s office, I decided I must have them and I wear them every day. See…in a slightly cruel twist of fate, it so happens that my daughter (and son) strongly resemble Hubz, so in this small way, she and I look similar and I like it. It makes me happy.
What doesn’t make me happy is when some dumbass comes along and thinks their keen powers of observation should be shared with me. To wit…
“Are you wearing colored contacts? ‘Cause I can kind of tell.”
Then WHY are you asking me?????? It’s not supposed to be a state secret or anything but that’s just rude.
Maybe I should ask you about those shiny 80′s style control-top hose you’re wearing. Or perhaps we should discuss that fake ponytail-on-a-banana-clip you’ve got attached to your head, hmmmm?
And to that end, I’ve put together a brief little primer for the rude and/or clueless people of the world on what NOT to do when faced with a little well-intentioned fakeness.
Here is an excerpt from Chapter 1:
Don’t stare at someone intensely and then go “Do you have xxxxx or xxxxx or xxxxx? ’cause I can kind of tell”
Because that’s so tacky and the recipient of such a statement may be forced to call you on your Wonderbra, chicken cutlet bra stuffers, acrylic nails, dye job, highlights, spray-on tan, whitened teeth, braces, makeup or any other thing you do to feel better about yourself and that might prove to be a tad embarrassing and uncomfortable for you.
That’s right — keeping your astute observations to yourself is not only kind to the other person but a real face-saver for you, too. It’s a win-win and who doesn’t like one of those?
Stay tuned for further installments of my manifesto, loosely titled How NOT to Be a Rude, Gauche, Socially-Inept Idiot.
(Please note…”you” is not meant as YOU, the reader, specifically. And it’s supposed to be funny so don’t go taking it all personal and stuff, aiight?)