Dude…that’s rude

Posted by on April 29, 2006

My daughter has beautiful eyes. My hub has blue eyes and I have brown and hers are this gorgeous hazel-ish color. I totally covet them.

Being adopted, I’ve never looked like anyone in my family. And even though I didn’t KNOW I was adopted for like, my whole life, I was keenly aware that I shared no resemblance to anyone in the clan (I know..how did I not have a clue? Uh…well because you don’t expect that anyone would ever deceive you on such a massive scale. That’s how.)

Anyway, when I saw these lovely hazel colored contacts at my optometrist’s office, I decided I must have them and I wear them every day. See…in a slightly cruel twist of fate, it so happens that my daughter (and son) strongly resemble Hubz, so in this small way, she and I look similar and I like it. It makes me happy.

What doesn’t make me happy is when some dumbass comes along and thinks their keen powers of observation should be shared with me. To wit…

“Are you wearing colored contacts? ‘Cause I can kind of tell.”

Then WHY are you asking me?????? It’s not supposed to be a state secret or anything but that’s just rude.

Maybe I should ask you about those shiny 80′s style control-top hose you’re wearing. Or perhaps we should discuss that fake ponytail-on-a-banana-clip you’ve got attached to your head, hmmmm?

And to that end, I’ve put together a brief little primer for the rude and/or clueless people of the world on what NOT to do when faced with a little well-intentioned fakeness.

Here is an excerpt from Chapter 1:

Don’t stare at someone intensely and then go “Do you have xxxxx or xxxxx or xxxxx? ’cause I can kind of tell”

Because that’s so tacky and the recipient of such a statement may be forced to call you on your Wonderbra, chicken cutlet bra stuffers, acrylic nails, dye job, highlights, spray-on tan, whitened teeth, braces, makeup or any other thing you do to feel better about yourself and that might prove to be a tad embarrassing and uncomfortable for you.

That’s right — keeping your astute observations to yourself is not only kind to the other person but a real face-saver for you, too. It’s a win-win and who doesn’t like one of those?

Stay tuned for further installments of my manifesto, loosely titled How NOT to Be a Rude, Gauche, Socially-Inept Idiot.

(Please note…”you” is not meant as YOU, the reader, specifically. And it’s supposed to be funny so don’t go taking it all personal and stuff, aiight?)


33 Comments

  • cameo says:

    okay, one day in college i dyed my hair. it was supposed to be brown. but it turned out kinda blue/grey/burnt mud with brassy tones. it was freakin’ horrible. and you know how i knew it was REALLY horrible? NOBODY SAID A GOD DAMNED THING! they just looked at it (it was obvious i had done something – i was blonde) and said nothing. i just wanted to put a paper bag over my head. people were so embarassed for me they couldn’t say anything. it was horrible.

  • Sue says:

    I’ve already admitted to being skin-picker (thanks to that meme, Izzy, lol) and I have had some sad looking scars on my face and neck due to my inability to leave zits alone…So people ask “Where did you get that scar?”

    “Where did you get that scar?” Huh? When, when is that ever going to be a nice or happy thing that someone wants to discuss?? Here’s a clue for the clueless: DON’T ASK ABOUT PAINFUL SUBJECTS. Painful literally or figuratively.

    Thank you.

  • Kristi says:

    My reply, “Are you really that stupid? Cuz I can kinda tell.”

  • Nancy says:

    I like Kristi’s response. Or if it’s a guy, you could say, “Do you have a small dick? Cause I can kinda tell.”

  • Stacy says:

    I can’t wait to read Chapter 2!!

  • stefanierj says:

    I’m so serious, Iz. I’m with Kristi and Nancy. “Are you a total bitch? ‘Cause I can kinda tell.”

  • Dawn says:

    I want to give you props for using the word “gauche” which is a vastly under used word.

    And you can always use “Suck it” as a response. I find it very effective

  • Kristen says:

    People have no fucking shame anymore. Ack.

  • People are idiots, plain and simple. I can’t tell you how many ignorant comments/questions I hear about my son’s facial birthmark (“Is that poison ivy?” “What happened to him?” “You really should put sunscreen on the little guy”). I’m tempted with quick retorts, but silence is far more satisfying – especially when accompanied with a curious, crazed look.

  • mama_tulip says:

    So many people don’t realize that others might do things for a reason — a reason that might not be visible right off the bat. And they open their mouths and go bla bla bla without thinking at all. Like…go ahead and think what you want, but keep your mouth closed. Kay?

  • roo says:

    What a tool.

    Your story reminded me of one told to me by a former co-worker who has a glass eye.

    She was fitting costumes backstage at a regional opera, when a young tenor came up to her, pointed, and said, “What’s wrong with your eye?”

    She popped it out, looked at it, and said, “Nothing. Why do you ask?”

    Then she popped her eye back in and went back to work.

  • Hipster Mom says:

    I get “the hair” comment ALL THE TIME, and it drives me crazy. Yes, it’s red. Yes, I color it. If I didn’t, it wouldn’t be “not red”,it would be”grayish-red”. Sometimes I just wish they would come straight out and ask if the curtains match the drapes, and if they do or not, why do they care?

  • Kvetch says:

    I’d like to add — “Have you lost weight? Because you look good!” Because before honey, you looked like crap. UGH.

  • Marcie says:

    I’m with you on the hazel eyes, my two little ones have em’ and I love it. My grandma used to tell me, every time I would see her, that I looked tired. The first twenty times I thought she was just worrying about me, after that it was like “are you trying to tell me something?……………I look like shit!?”

  • Chantal says:

    I have a friend who constantly does this. At dinner out with a lot of friends she yelled out “Those are totally fake nails! Yours don’t naturally look that good.”

    Then I threw my beer in her face. Okay, I didn’t, but I thought about it.

  • Pattie says:

    “That’s right — keeping your astute observations to yourself is not only kind to the other person but a real face-saver for you, too. It’s a win-win and who doesn’t like one of those?”

    Perfectly stated, Izzy. If only everyone thought that way the world would be a better place.

  • shannon says:

    That is rude!!! I have the hazel eyes that are real and all through school people said I was wearing contacts!! Who care if you are or aren’t anywho!:)

  • People are just ignorant and stupid. My boys are as different as night and day, in looks and in temperment. My oldest has olive skin, brown hair, and hazel eyes. He is long and lanky. He is a carbon copy of my Dad. My youngest has blonde hair, blue eyes, a casper the friendly ghost complexion with freckles. He is short and stocky. He resembles my husband’s side of the family. People have actually asked me if they have different fathers.

    I was so stunned that I couldn’t think up a snappy comeback. I just stammered…”Ummmm, Nnoooo. No they don’t.”

    Morons.

  • mrsfortune says:

    “How NOT to Be a Rude, Gauche, Socially-Inept Idiot.”

    I can’t wait until the next installment. Could you put some stuff in about how NOT to talk to a pregnant woman? I know I’m being selfish. I’m sure you look beautiful with hazel eyes.

  • miah says:

    my dad was also adopted. i realized at some point that i, his only child, was the only person in the world who sort of looked like him. i realized why, when i was 20, he said, “you know, you can go out and have a kid with anybody you want. you don’t need to get married.” (“ho, ho, ho,” i said back to him, and waited another twelve years…)

  • Emily says:

    Heck, instead of insulting them back I would just try to make them equally uncomfortable.

    “Yes, I am wearing colored contacts! I am also wearing a padded bra for my saggy boobs, odor eaters for my horifficly smelly feet, and a poise pad for urine leakage. Anything else you wanna know?”

  • Christina says:

    Wow, some people just don’t know when to keep their mouths shut do they?

    I get people jokingly asking if my husband is the father of our daughter, because she is pale and blonde and he is dark haired with olive skin. I just look at them with the most evil glare I can.

  • Mom101 says:

    I’m gladd you filed under suckassiness because that pretty much sums it up. Unless you have a new category for douchebaginess or bungheadedness.

    I’m with Mrs Fortune, how not to talk to a pregnant woman is the next chapter, and I’m SURE this considerate person could use that book, stat.

  • katkat says:

    I used to nanny twins one girl one boy. People always asked me if they were identical twins……um no dumb head. People can be so stupid.

  • Mrs. Chicky says:

    Can you include a chapter called “Where to let your dog take a dump. Hint: Its not on my front lawn, dumbass.”? I’d take extra copies to hand out to my neighbors.

  • Don says:

    You should have just said “no, this is the color of my eyes”, that will shock them and perhaps make them go away because you are obviously lying. I don’t know why people ask awkard questions that are really obvious. I got a lot of similar questions when I had hazel contacts. Once, I had purple eye contacts, and that was when the questions really got out of hand. I still got the “Are those contacts” questions…who in the right mind would think that people can have purple eyes.

  • Mega Mom says:

    Rrrrr. I’m going to have to watch out for you this summer :)

    I’m so kidding. I always have to explain that. Hopefully you’ll all just get my keen sense of humor soon!

    Honestly now, that person was an idiot!

  • So rude! What an idiot.

    My best friend wore the most stunning coloured contacts for years and she got so tired of being asked like you did, that she’d pull one out for the idiots just to freak them out and continue the conversation with them (they were dramatically different then her natural eye colour so it looked wild with one in and one out). It shut them up anyway.

  • kittenpie says:

    Yeah, people are always asking about my hair, which I dye because quite simply, I like it that colour, and I freely admit to it. Then they always seem surprised and tell me it looks like it should be my natural colour. Weirdos. I’m sure your hazel eyes are lovely, dear, and if you like them better that way, what the hell. I can totally understand, because I like that my daughter is my clone.

    And I also used to have a blue spot on my nose from a nosepin gone wrong (silver deposited under my skin), and always had “helpful” people pointing out that I had something there. I suppose that was well-intentioned, but still annoying. I had the spot cut out last year after being sick of hearing the same stupid shit for so long. and on a related topic, I totally don’t recommend having someone stick a hypodermic needle in your nose four times. Epidural, nothing, THAT hurt!

  • Redneckmommy says:

    I love this post!!!I am anxiously awaiting Chapter Two. With bated breath!

  • Julie says:

    Considering I’m sitting here this morning with eyebrows that are a shade too dark, thanks to my colorist who didn’t write down what color she used last time (when they turned out perfectly), I am silently hoping that everyone I encounter has read your post. Because although I am prepared to acknowledge my fakeness by making a joke of it, I’d really rather that everyone just IGNORE the two little caterpillars.

  • Dawn Isaac says:

    I am just working on a post and was searching your archives when I found this post. I didn’t know you were adopted too. I guess I was blessed with knowing that I was adopted. As for you and your daughter looking alike, I am so proud that Jeremy looks like me too. I just started seeing it and he is 5 though! I totally thought he looked like his dad before. I love reading archives…don’t always have the time for it though. And that is totally rude to point it out. I agree.

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