Mommy War? Or Momism?
EDITED TO ADD:
I fear that some of my intended meaning in the post below may have been misunderstood.
I am not asking people to stop making judgments. That would be like asking people to not breathe.
I was just thinking it would be nice if we didn’t have to SHARE our judgments in such an UGLY manner.
If you want some examples of said ugliness, go to Motherhood Uncensored and read the comments for the post called “You Didn’t Fool Me”.
Need more examples? Go to dooce.com and find her posts on getting her daughter to sleep. It’s unbelieveable the things people, mothers, will say to each other.
Personally, I’m tired of it. Being behind a computer screen doesn’t give one license to be an ass.
People need to think (oh the horror!) before they hit the submit button.
There. That’s my judgment.
——————————————–
I know. I know. Who wants to hear another word about mommy wars? I damn sure don’t.
Unfortunately, it seems inescapable. Everywhere you go lately, someone’s talking about the “mommy wars.” Others question if the mommy wars are real or whether they are manufactured to sell books and drive up Nielsen ratings. After having really thought about it and witnessed it in action, I would say that the mommy wars are alive and well.
I have to wonder, however, is it really a war? Calling it that would suggest that there was a beginning point and eventually, an end point and that there would be a “winner” of sorts. I’m not sure there are any winners in this so-called war. The way I see it, the “mommy wars” are simply an extension of that age-old tradition of people judging each other.
When people of different races judge each other unfairly, we call it racism. When people of different genders judge each other unfairly, we call it sexism. Perhaps the “mommy wars” are really more like “momism;” mothers unfairly judging each other over their differences in mothering choices, practices and philosophies.
No matter how wrong we profess it to be, judging each other seems to be firmly rooted in our human nature. As mothers in the blog world, it’s hard to miss the ever-present refrains asking for non-judgment and sisterhood, and yet we STILL do it. We’re hard-wired for it, it seems.
That said, will this “war” that we wage against each other ever end? I doubt it. But is there any hope for changing it from its current incarnation into something less ugly and unkind? I believe there is but it begins with each of us making an effort to at least respect other mothers.
We don’t have to agree on working or staying home, breastfeeding or formula feeding, sleep training or not, co-sleeping or not, leashing or not leashing but maybe, as a first step, we could refrain from blasting other moms, both specifically and in the broad sense, out of simple respect for this motherhood thing since we’re all in it together. I’m not asking you to advocate child abuse or wave a sign in favor of things you don’t favor. I’m merely and gently suggesting we treat other moms as we would like to be treated and perhaps to agree to disagree.
And to that end, I have an exercise for you. Read about my experience. When you’re done, you’ll probably want to judge either me (for being a bitch) or my stepsister (for being selfish) and that’s okay. But can you do it without being rude or downright mean?
When my stepsister announced that she had NO intentions of breastfeeding her second baby because she didn’t want to lose any more of her breasts, I suggested that she at least nurse her son for the first few days so he would get the valuable colostrum, which is full of antibodies and other things that are so beneficial to babies. She flatly refused and I was in disbelief. How could she bring a baby into the world and deny him this one simple thing in favor of bigger boobs? I just couldn’t fathom what a selfish choice (in my estimation) she had made. But the key word is choice. It was her choice. I had to at least try and make peace with it so I never said a word. To this day she has no idea how harshly I judged her and honestly, we’re both better off for it.
And what about you? Can you resist the urge to blast either of us with a little eau de judgment? I sure hope so.
We will never stop judging each other. It’s what we do. But is it too much to ask that we might keep our judgments private while we work on mustering up a bit more understanding? Someday, when you are the one being scrutinized and criticized (and it WILL happen) wouldn’t it be nice if the moms around you were at least attempting to respect and understand your choices instead vilifying you?
I was going to end this essay here but after conversing with my husband on this topic, he said, rather matter-of-factly, “Don’t take this the wrong way but that’s a woman thing. Guys pretty much don’t do that stuff.” I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that a man would provide me with a totally different perspective. And damn if he isn’t right.
You don’t see John or Dutch or MetroDad or Jon or Chag or Ed or Tony or Chris fighting with other dads about whether working or staying home is better or whether sleep training is good or evil or any other typical momism fodder. Insofar as I can tell, they don’t do it, or at least not to the degree that moms do.
Maybe the dads are on to something here…
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But honestly, do you really think Chag and the other SAHDs don’t get slack for being SAHDs? I imagine it’s not to their faces, but I have a feeling that while there isn’t such a big huge book tour about it, I wonder if behind their backs, people aren’t like “he’s letting his wife work…”
On the other hand, I find that SAHDs (where I am - which there are almost NONE) get a lot of laud from women. Like it’s so romantic and loving for the huz to stay home.
In terms of parenting techniques, you don’t see dads (for the most part in my experience) fighting over shit like that. Hell, they’re too busy trying to aim for the toilet to worry about that stuff.
Ha. Kidding. Love men. :) Good post Izzy.
Kristen — I think you just illustrated my whole point. People will ALWAYS have judgments and SAHD’s aren’t immune to it but are they beating each other up over their differences? No.
Do we see the men I mentioned, some of which are not SAHD’s, openly putting each other down? We don’t.
They may disagree but the overall attitude appears to be much more “Live and let live,” and I think that whether it’s a conscious effort on their part or just their nature, they could teach us moms a thing or two.
It’s kind of amazing to me how worked up parents get about things like you mentioned. It’s almost as if people feel like their own particular parenting style and choices are a *religion* and as such: “if mine’s right, then yours is wrong. The End.” Is it so hard to imagine that there is more than one way to get to the end of the story?
Though I will relay a story of my own: at a recent bachelorette party, there was a woman there who had a 3.5 month old baby. She told us all how she had weaned the baby the week before the party, so she’d be able to smoke pot and drink with us all weekend. You can bet I judged her for that choice–oh, and the one where she had fake DD implants–but I did keep my thoughts to myself.
Amy — You make an excellent point about parenting styles being akin to religion for some folks. And that story…man, you’re really testing me here :)
I think I would have pointed out that whether you breastfeed or not, the mere act of your breasts gettign ready to do so changes them, and the actual feeding or not makes little difference. But then, after imparting that nugget to factor into her thinking, I would keep my mouth shut. Because I, like you, figure that purposely creating a rift doesn’t improve anything, change anyone’s mind, or allow for future discourse. It slams things shut even tighter than they ever were.
I pass judgements; I’m human. I try, however, to respect other people’s rights to their opinions. I have mine, they should have theirs. And I ask myself, at the end of the day, is this going to matter to me that much? Will it stop my children from being loved and fed and clothed? Will it destroy my marriage? Probably not, and those are the most important things to me, when it comes right down to it. That’s what I try to ask myself.
Excellent post, Izzy.
Loved this! I’ve found that I was a lot more judgemental BEFORE I became a mom, and the longer I’ve been a mom, the less I judge. I used to just not GET why a mom would not want to breastfeed, or why she would stop after only 3-4 months….then I met a mom who had to wean abruptly because she had been exposed to HIV when her baby was about 6 months old. I realized people make all kinds of parenting choices for all kinds of reasons, some of which might not be very public or apparant.
Also, after going from a full-time job to a SAHM/WAHM in December, I’ve gained tons of new insights about another aspect of motherhood. Not saying I’m perfectly objective, but I think the more experiences I have, the easier it is to let go of being judgemental. So now I’m just judgemental of moms who are judgemental…ha!
this is a fabulous post. since i’m generally trying to advocate for a “greener” parenting style, it’s really important to me that i don’t judge people who make choices i wouldn’t. but one of raj & my tenets, really, is not do do anything fully. for example, we’re vegetarians, but on occasion we eat fish, sometimes even turkey. i wish i never ate any meat, but the reality is that sometimes i do. if somebody cooks me some supper, expends a lot of energy, and doesn’t realize i don’t eat meat, i don’t really WANT to not eat it. i think trouble always begins when one’s ideals begin dictating life.
in general, i agree about the dad thing, but…there are some pretty raging discussions over at dadbloggers.
I refuse to get into this debate on my own blog because I am one sided about my opinion and that is, if someone can’t have their own opinion and do as they damn well want to without having to prove themselves in every way, then the person doing the judging is an idiot. Sounds crazy but the best way I know to put it is, “butt out”…it obviously isn’t everyone’s business what everyone else chooses to do…right?
First, that was a really great and thought provoking post.
Second, my sister and law had almost the exact same issue, except she never gave a reason for not breastfeeding except that she didn’t want to. And like you, I judged her harshly for it. Many years later, we still differ quite a bit in our parenting, but I’ve learned that she is a loving and devoted Mom despite doing things a different way.
And yeah, your hubby is right. Men don’t do that kind of stuff. Maybe that’s why I often find myself more compatible with men. And GAY men are especially great. You get the best of both worlds…the best girlfriend you ever had with none of the bitchiness.
Anyway…
I think the only way to eradicate judgmentalism is for everyone to walk a mile in the shoes of someone else, and that’s not always going to happen. But perspective and hindsight are pretty effective too. I think, and this applies me as well, that younger people tend to be more judgemental. The older you get you realize that certain stuff just isn’t worth getting all bent out of shape over, and you also learn to “hate the sin, not the sinner” so to speak. Generally, I can disagree with someone without having to villify them. Not always, cuz…I’m not perfect either.
Again, great post. Very insightful and I’m sorry I wrote a novel in your comments.
Hmm, I agree with you and I never noticed about the Dad’s not “fighting” about this kind of stuff, but I guess society tells them that breast-feeding isn’t their issue, you know, that this stuff just isn’t “their” issue? (Although Metro Dad did weigh in on this stuff the other day I think). That’s interesting. I don’t know, I just keep my opinions to myself in all respects. And I was unable to read the anecdote about your step-sister without forming judgments, honestly.
so, my question is, were you listening in on marcie’s and my conversation today, around noon? because lo and behold, that was the topic of conversation. and we were saying the same thing, about how it’s human nature to judge. not the regular “hot-button” issues like you listed. but things like the fact that i knew a woman who breast-fed her daughter until she was TWELVE! now, i dare you to find me anybody who REALLY thinks that’s okay. i don’t think the woman was fully alright with it herself. and you know what? i don’t feel a bit bad about passing judgment on her. i think it’s fucking weird!
i also hate it when people smoke around kids. and i hate it when people drink at children’s parties. those are my judgments. and you know how i handle it. i don’t go where they are.
we all judge. it’s just a matter of what we will tolerate in our own lives. and what we choose to put out there in the world. for most things, there are no right/wrong, there just is. let’s chill on those and put our efforts into issues of more importance.
and last but not least, when dealing with these types of things, it’s great to have somebody to rant to/with. just make sure to remember that somewhere, you’re probably the topic of someone else’s conversation. uh, i meant judgment.
I try very hard not to judge. It is not my life, not my choice, not my business. I will give advice, if asked, but I will not condemn someone for not following it. That said, I do wonder about some people’s choices that I find odd. In your sister-in-law’s case, I thought it was perfectly fine for her not to nurse, but her reason was a bit surprising, though I understand her choice. I understand your concern just as much.
I have not joined the discussion of the mommy wars because I find it a waste of time. (And I suppose, that is a judgement in itself, but I am not criticizing those who have written about the topic. I have read some very interesting pieces on it, including this one.) The wars are silly and meaningless and nothing will be settled, in my opinion. We really do just need to learn to respect each other for taking on this tough job in the first place and realize that no matter who you are, you are going to mess up at some point. There is no perfect parenting style. It is all trial and error and we do the best we can. The minute I throw a rock at the proverbial glass house, I know it would shatter my own windows, so I refrain. I like that we are all different and not the same. I just wish we could all get along.
Excellent post, Izzy. I would like “Mommy Wars” to be banned from the English Language, but I certainly won’t pass judgement on anyone who uses it. I read Dutch, Jon and Chris, and you’re right, I can’t think of a post they’ve written where their comments were full of criticisms for their choice to stay home. My God, when Amy at amalah.com announced she was quitting her job to stay home with her son while continuing to freelance, I’m surprised the Internet didn’t explode from the sheer force of the comments she got.
Like everyone else, I have opinions on the subjects of breastfeeding and staying home versus working outside the home, and if someone wants my opinion I’m sure they’ll ask me for it. Otherwise, like Blog Antagonist said, until I walk a mile in someone’s shoes, who am I to judge. Do I sometimes make unfair assumptions about someone? Sure. For example, do I think Britney Spears should continue to have children with Kevin Federline? No. Did she ask me? No. Do I think the man who tried to sell his baby for $7000 to make home improvements is a bad father? Yes. Does he care what I think? No.
If you ever, EVER see me leave a blog comment for someone that sounds even a LITTLE bit judgemental regarding their breastfeeding or employment choices, you have my permission to come to my house and slap me upside my head.
I think the sages warn us to “Judge not,” because the amount you judge others is a sign of how together you have it. If your own life is fantastically interesting and lively and feels great, you have little inclination to judge others.
People without a lot going on for themselves have plenty of time to sit in judgement.
So judgement, IMO, is a symptom, not an illness. When we clean up our own lives, when we live from our true authentic values, then judgement leaves us without us having to think about it.
And yes, I still judge, ALL the time. What the hell was Britney thinking, driving around like that with a baby on her lap??
I don’t think I have made a single choice in the parenting process that I didn’t second guess at a later date. I’m sure many moms feel the same way. Being a business owner, yet able to accomplish that from a part time basis, I have always felt sort of on the edge of both worlds. I sort of work, yet I don’t have to worry about day care or nanny problems. I feel for both sides, if there really have to be any sides. Good post. Really makes you think about judging the others on the carpool line.
I was going to do a post about judging and judgment today, but got distracted. So this is timely for me.
First, I don’t think that we can avoid judging (moms or dads; I’ll get to this). We judge, if only passively, when we make our own choices. If I choose to breastfeed, I do so because *I* think that it is best, becaus I think that to not do so would be a lesser choice. I can still respect women who make other choices, but that won’t change my judgment that breastfeeding is best. It wouldn’t be honest of me to pretend that I think that all choices are equally good, because I don’t. If it really doesn’t matter whether or not you breastfeed, hell, why not preserve the breasts? My judgment on breastfeeding is that it is the best choice, where one has a choice (not all women do). But I do defend to the death the right of someone to choose differently, and I think that we owe it to each other to be respectful of others’ right to choose differently.
So, we all judge. What matters is what we do with those judgments. Civility - kindness - requires that we allow others to make their choices, and refrain from attacking or berating or sneering or even, maybe, just loooking at them funny. It’s fine to disagree with someone’s choices - we can’t help it. Again, we’re *always* judging. But it’s not fine to make a stick out of those judgments and go around beating others with it.
Secondly - men do it and fall victim to it, too. Dutch has been lambasted time and again by some commenters for coming across as a know-it-all, for promoting his choices and views as the ‘best’ or correct ones. He’s been accused of being judgmental (of Wal Mart shoppers, Baby Einstein viewers, that kind of thing), and he’s been judged. Which goes to my point above - we all judge and are judged. What matters is, are we polite and respectful about it? Do we allow others their own judgments? Can we live together as friends even as we disagree about our respective choices?
I think so; I hope so.
You’re right, we don’t fight. We just curse each other out and then share a few beers afterwards.
But am I judged? Oh yes. Sometimes when I tell people I’m a SAHD, they act like they’ve just met Bigfoot. This is the South, so the man is supposed to be the breadwinner and all that nonsense. But that line of thinking is mostly from other men (and mostly OLDER men). Like Kristen said, the women love the fact that I’m a SAHD. I’m like a pimp on the playground.
My line of thinking has always been you’ve got to do what’s best for your entire family (not just the child), as long as you’re not neglecting or harming your children. If that means tv watching, formula, and co-sleeping, that’s fine. If it means the exact opposites, that’s fine as well. As long as everyone’s happy, healthy, and full of love, you’ve won the Mommy Wars.
Sorry I rambled so much…
dude. yes, i’m starting this reply with DUDE. lol
mom’s should just back the fuck off other mom’s. but really, is it any different than how we judge our gf’s, or other women in any other aspect of life? “omg, she’s wearing that? how could she?!?!” “you’re going to do WHAT? WITH WHO? what are you thinking?!?”
i think that it’s just another aspect of life to be judged and that people have opinions on. i’ve got no problem with everyone having their own thoughts on how things should be done- it is when they are imposed on others without their wanting it, that the problem begins.
I think all of us judge ourselves and each other…harshly at times. I read your post. It is well written. But, even when you said to read it and not judge, I did it anyway, and found myself on one side of this issue….strongly. I couldn’t help it.
I guess for me, there is a difference between having an opinion about things vs having an opinion and not being able to see someone elses. Or feeling the need to shame them because they might not be doing things the way you think they should.
I might think something about someone….but I keep my mouth shut.
If anything I respect you even more because you were able to have a strong opinion and not go off on her. You certainly did not appear to be a bitch in the slightest.
Even though it does appear that she is selfish, there are things that are not expressed that influence our choices. Who knows how she came to decide what was best for her and her child.
What gets to me is when people throw out criticism for petty things. My future sister in law said in a degrading tone meant for me to over hear that she couldn’t understand how someone could let herself go. This comment was directed at me because I had not coloured my hair for several months. Now why is she judging me for not wanting to apply hair colour ever four to six weeks? What gives her the right to make me feel bad about myself? Is she really on a crusade for hair?
I try not to judge but it is always a challenge.
Greta post Izzy! I could care less what aother mothers are doing with those subjects you metioned, their choice. There are some things that mothers do that tick me off a great deal around here, like letting their kids roam the streets at all hours of the night and making 11 and 12 year olds watch the younger ones all the time. I mean sometimes would be ok but all the time. And half these kids don’t even pay attention and I see 2-3 year olds running out into the street. Those are the kind of mothers I would like to wage war on but the other stuff is just a mothers choice no one else’s:)
Well done, Izzy. I too have been guilty of judging other mommies. It wasn’t until the shoe was on the other foot that I seriously had to back off and grow up. Now, I am much more tolerant of my judgemental ways.
After years of making parental choices other people disapprove of, (and you should see my dad’s face when my daughter says penis and vagina!) I have learned that there are so many choices to make once you breed.
Don’t get me wrong, I still judge, I just do it quietly. And I hope that others around me will follow suit.
Like Mrs. Davis, I was much more judgmental before I had children. I also think that age and experience has a great deal to do with my mellowed state of mind.
It’s simply not worth my time to obsess over someone else’s choices, especially when they are not life-threatening or when I don’t even know the person involved.
And although I still pass judgment - even if it just briefly flashes through my mind that “I wouldn’t do it THAT way” - I don’t speak up. And certainly not with the vitriol that I’ve seen here in the blogosphere.
Great post, Izzy. You are right — we all judge. But it serves us all well as mothers, as women, as parents, as people to be as respectful as possible when dealing with others. No one is perfect, and we’re all going to have our weak moments. But it’s worth it to try and communicate in an open-minded a manner as possible.
And you’re right — men seem to do this a little better than women (they do judge, but aren’t as gossipy/self-righteous about stuff as some women can be.)
Wow. I just posted one of my most judgmental entries ever to my blog. Then I came and saw this. Ahem. So, yes, I judge. Would it sound judgmental to say that sometimes people’s choices are so lame they are just begging to be judged? Yes? Oh.
I’ve come a long way in not spewing my judgments out loud. I do, however, judge all of the time. It hasn’t lessened by experiencing being a mom myself. That has actually only made me more passionate about my opinions, making it that much more difficult not to judge. Of course I think some parenting choices are better than others. I wouldn’t make the choices I have as a mom if I didn’t. I will, however, keep my thoughts on the matter to myself, in most cases, because everyone else is free to choose just as I did. Even if their choices are wrong. Ooops.
Great post, Izzy. You totally elucidated some similar thoughts I’ve had recently regarding all the parental infighting and the mommy wars. However, you wrote it much more intelligently than I did. I couldn’t agree with you more.
Oh yeah…and Chag’s right. Us dads fight and judge each other all the time. Last week, the boys made so much fun of me that I got an eating disorder. And just a few days ago, we teased Dutch so much that he cried in his glass of chardonnay. We just keep our catfighting in-house! Just kidding.
Have a nice weekend.
I think your post is great and the edit add on perfect. I hear you loud and clear. My post today is about being a little less hard on other moms too as well as taking it easier on ourselves.
I swear, my lesson in all of this is that the things I used to judge the most are things that I have found myself doing since I’ve had my 2nd child. Talk about your reality checks. I’m much more careful now because I know that it may just come back and bite me in the mom-butt.
Here here. Great post. If these discussions were happening in person people would chose their words more carefully. There is so much wasted energy on warring with each other. I couldn’t agree with you more.
I, unfortunately, was quick to judge motherhood before I had a baby and karma came at me with a baseball bat because of it. I think that’s what happens when you make quick decisions about things you know very little about. Is it okay to have opinions? Yes. Is it okay to force those opinions on others(which, btw, I never did. nope. no forcing here)? Nooooo.
Why can’t we be like the guys and laugh over a couple of beers about this?
I’m too tired to fight anyone else about their choices. As long as they love their babies and keep them safe, I’m happy.
Well, I’m also happy when there are margaritas involved…but that’s an entirely different story.
People, mostly women get way to worked up about there opinions. It’s scary how cappy we can get.
I realized pretty quickly after having a baby that women don’t change when they become moms. There are still as many bitches as there were in junior high and high school. They’re just more passive-aggressive about it. I am really trying to gain the confidence now to (politely but firmly) call them on it when they’re rude to me or other women. Unfortunately, though, the Internet allows these women to spew their venom anonymously…
I kind of view it that same way I view other people’s marriages. Which is that I try not to. I mean the view from inside is ALWAYS different than the view from the outside, and god knows there are things I have accepted and moved on past in my marriage that I may have had something to say about if I was the outside best girlfriend. But if there is one thing that being a mom has taught me?
Everything changes all the time. You think you got your shit together? Hah! Tables turn. Think you are going crazy? HAH! Tables turn. There are no absolutes in life, and being a mother has displayed this to me in epic ways.
Hey I thought of you this morning as I flew out of Tampa at 5 in the am. I hope you were sound asleep.
AMEN! I read NOW’S statement on the mommy wars recently and they are calling for the press to basically shut it. They’re inflaming something that doesn’t exist IRL nearly the way it does in the media–or online. I think what it is is women using anonymity as an excuse to shed the polite exteriors and say what’s really on their minds, without regard to how hurtful it can be. It’s selfish, plain and simple. Because one person’s need to complain about (say) formula feeding, does not trump the formula feeders’ right not to have some douchebag in their face about it.
I think what it comes down to is that we’re all insecure about choices. People, not just moms, live to prove themselves right, to justify their decisions. Sometimes this happens by putting the others down.
In the end, if it’s not hurting me, my family, or society as a whole, I have no issues with it. It’s not to say I’m a fan of leashes though…
I’m feeling you even more on this one today, after your addendum, and after having been ‘judged’ (not judged on my mothering, but on the integrity of my storytelling and my understanding of my own circumstances) by a commenter over at my site. I said above that judgment is inescapable, that what matters is to not beat others with your judgmental stick, and I think that this applies more broadly to civility in general. My commenter ended up saying that she’d been shut down, exiled for having a dissenting opinion, because people jumped on her for being mean, which is a shame, in a way, but the whole unpleasantness could have been avoided if there hadn’t been any meanness to begin with it.
I said sometime ago on my blog that rules of the playground apply to the blogosphere, parental or otherwise. Play nice. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
Well said. I wrote about this the other day, about how mom’s should drop this war and pick up a new cause that unifies us all. It’s a little tongue in cheek though. I had fun with it. I had to do something after I got practically eaten alive by a comment on someone else’s website. Every mom is always going to feel she’s doing the best thing for her child. She has no right to judge anyone else, at least not via the internet. (What we do in our own homes is our own business.) ;-)
The other day I found myself judging people a lot and I stopped and thought “it’s so easy to just sit back and judge other people.” But then I thought “Wait, it’s not THAT easy. Maybe I’m just good at it. I need to pat myself on the back not just for the tough accomplishments but for innate abilities as well.”
Great post Izzy, the other guys are right. You don’t see all the fist-fights we get into behind closed doors. Remember “Fight Club” that’s us but only on the internet.
Seriously though, a while ago I stopped trying to fit into a certain niche and started just being myself. You can’t please everyone and the blogosphere is like TV. People will watch the channels they like and turn to another if they don’t. I’ve learned that Moms are diverse and your diversity should be celebrated. Be yourself and people will read and comment that share your interests. The “hating” is not healthly.
Rock on! Right now I’m in the closet about having to go back to work full-time. Why? Because it is hard enough without all of the PITA comments about cutting out my freaking cable and just making a sacrifice already. It hurts. I hurt. I am not some computer-generated mom, but I’m an actual person. Feelings and all.
You totally rock for this post and when I build up the courage to talk about it, I’m so linking you!