Homer-Butts & Muffin Tops

Posted by on April 15, 2006

I know all the arguments against those ultra high-waisted “mom” jeans and let me just start saying I’M NOT IN FAVOR OF THEM! But…someone needs to speak the truth —low rise jeans are NOT flattering to 99% of the female population. They may save you from looking like your mother but you are forced to compromise in other ways. Well…unless you like having a square, almost non-existent Homer Simpson ass. I mean everyone bitches about how big their butts are but I think Sir Mix-a-Lot gave the big ass some street cred. Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong but I’ve not yet heard of any odes to the Homer-butt look.

I’ve determined that it’s the low pockets that give a gal Homer-butt. Pockets are a rear-end reference point and when they are too low down, your booty appears to have left the building without you. Don’t believe me? Go to a mall, sit down and just watch the Homer-butts passing you by.

And thanks to Chicky Mama, I now know what a “muffin top” is. I mean, I was well aware of the ring of flesh, fat, whatever that is unflatteringly showcased around the waist on nearly all wearers of low-rise jeans but I didn’t know it had a special name! So that’s reason number two to think twice about low-riders. Women are SUPPOSED to have hips and a little padding on them to make them curvy but when you put the LR’s on, your curves have officially become the dreaded muffin-top. Fashion…she is a cruel mistress.

And my solution to all of these issues brought on by LR’s? Uh…wear skirts? Send threatening letters to fashion designers? To be honest, I don’t have a solution. I have a hard enough time finding jeans for myself that don’t accentuate my muffin top and butt issues. I can’t even begin to tell you what to do about the ubiquitous low rise jeans except maybe buy them a little loose because the worst of all, is when you get flared low-rise jeans and wear them too tight. Think J-Lo at the Superbowl a couple years ago. Her thighs looked like sausages and her muffin top was all over the place as she danced around, which leads me to my final point…unless you are built like a 12 yr old boy, always stick to the gently flared and always flattering boot cut. No tapers, no bell bottoms. No skinny legs. Boot cut.

Addendum: It seems that the mid-rise jean is popular among commenters but also hard to find. I did see, on Nordstrom’s site, David Kahn’s “Soccer Mom” jeans that are supposed to be more mom-bod friendly while still being a hip, low-rise style. And they were only $160! (wtf?) Another shop in the OC sells various David Kahn jeans and moms there are madly in love with them because of a little pocket magic that makes your butt look way better than regular jeans. Don’t tempt me, dammit! I still need to pay my Blogher registration…


37 Comments

  • Lucinda says:

    I’m not having issues with the waistedness of jeans so much as the skinny leg thing that’s going on now. Flared legs are soooo much more flattering. I’m afraid stores will stop selling them. I tried on a pair of skinny leg jeans and instantly looked about ten pounds heavier.

  • Mega Mom says:

    I’ve got a muffin top AND a breast do (my stomach sticks out farther than my breasts do). I’ve also got a hugh jass and vastly overlapping thighs. Really, I just can’t figure out why the fashionistas don’t make clothes tailored to me!

  • Nancy says:

    I will never, ever again wear the tapered leg jeans. As Lucinda already said, they really make it look like you’ve packed on the weight!

    I have found that some of the lower-waisted jeans (not the ultra low) do make it look like I have a flatter stomach, but in the back they are just TOO low and the pockets really do not sit on my butt — more like on my upper thighs. That looks retarded. I think “mom jeans” need to have some sort of super-sucking panel to flatten out the tummy while somehow miraculously avoiding the muffin top. And adequately covering the butt.

    That is all.

  • kittenpie says:

    I am liking me some midrise jeans – below the bellybutton, but high enough to cover my hips instead of cutting them in half. And yeah, a slight flare or straight leg, which Stacy and Clinton say is in fact the most flattering. I spent the longest time trying on jeans last year, and when I found some, I bought a couple pairs. But I think it’s almost time to try again soon… ugh. Worse than swimsuits.

  • DeAnn says:

    This is awfully pretty. I like the new digs. I’ll have to get caught up today, especially because I need to read your Real Housewives post! Of course.

  • stefanierj says:

    I’m with kittenpie. I think the jeans issue is worse for those of us who live in small college towns where all the jeans are made for the girls who still think they are freshmen anorexics–just TRY finding even midrise jeans here.

    On a related note, whst exactly what is it about a 2-inch zipper that’s supposed to flatter anyone? if I have to shave my *pubes* to wear a pair of jeans…uh-uh,. nope. And for the love of God, would someone explain to the freshmen that it’s STILL NOT COOL to wear a regular g-string with lowrise pants!!! You can floss if you want, but I shouldn’t have to watch.

    Whew. Sorry for the rant. Had no idea all those jeans issues were lying latent in there.

  • Dawn says:

    Yeah. I’m all about “leave the whale tail at home – stick girl”
    I tried, a few weeks ago to jeans shop, but I left both Old Navy AND Gap feeling betrayed.

  • Rhonda says:

    The only jeans I have found, that are cool, and work for me are Levi’s 525 boot cut.

    I must admit, I am so used to the tapered leg, but my younger sis said NO! You have to be the ‘cool mom’. I must admit, I feel TOO COOL in those jeans, love them and all of us need a pair of those :)

  • With all due respect, I like the low-rise jeans. Levis 518s are the thing – I’ve got blue jeans and pink cords in 518s. Love love love them. To avoid the no-ass look I buy jeans that actually fit me. I went down a size from what I thought was the “right” size, and I’ve gotten complements. (Not just from my husband, either.) I dunno, it might be a tall-woman thing. The “regular” jeans look dorky on me.

  • Mrs. Chicky says:

    I’ve been on the hunt for a long time to find the perfect pair of jeans to not only cover that damn muffin top but also to just cover my ass. Since they don’t exist, my plan is to wear long shirts and never bend over. Although, I recently found a pair at the Gap (I know, I know) that aren’t bad: Curvy Boot Cut in 100% cotton. If you get the more popular CBC with 1% lycra they fit totally different. Go figure.

    Thanks for the shout out!

  • Amy says:

    Muffin top, I LOVE that! Very apt. Low rise jeans suck even worse if you have a long torso, trust me. Make me look like I’m all body and no legs, beautiful.

  • Dawn Isaac says:

    I just bought a pair of low rise jeans. The only other pair of them that I have my sister gave them to me. I love them both! Mine are stretchy and give my legs a little shape lol. I do find I need a belt to keep mine up though. And now I need longer shirts as well. :) Before I had Jer I used to wear those shirts that show your belly button – now – forget it lol. All my other jeans and pants are either boot cut or flared, can’t stand the tapered ones. This is hilarious but the past week I have been doing “butt exercises” to try and tone it or give it some shape, any shape lol!!

  • I like the lowrise jeans from Gap, but I also don’t wear tops that showcase my midsection!

  • Muffin Top?!?! I am so using that.

    I hate jeans shopping post baby. It is almost worse than bathing suite shopping. But for my own weird shape low rise is the only thing I’ve had any luck in but only the ones I need to second mortgage my house for so they fit. Sheesh.

  • kittenpie says:

    hey Mrs. Chicky, nothing wrong with the gap. my fave jeans are from there – “Long and Lean” with a bit of stretch. I never would have thought to try those on, since as I said to the fitting room lady who suggested them, I am anything but. However, she pointed out that they meant they were designed to make you LOOK long and lean. I do love the helpful ones.

  • marie b. says:

    I’d actually miss my muffin-top if I stopped wearing my favourite pair of jeans. I figure a tiny bulge at the top is a small price to pay for amazing comfort.

  • Chantal says:

    Old Navy Just Below The Waist jeans are great for those with the muffin top affliction. I’m long legged and long torso’d, so I’m pretty much screwed no matter what I wear. I’m always pulling up my jeans. The Gap Long and Lean are good too, but straighter in the leg than I like.

  • kirdy says:

    I’d be thrilled if I could just find a pair of jeans that doesn’t grossly exaggerate the apron tummy I have after 3 c-sections. That thing is just nas-TAY. I could even live with Homer Ass and muffin top, if I could hide/disguise/eliminate that damn apron. Blech.

  • ghandi rules says:

    I love the term ‘muffin top’. I don’t have muffin tops but I probably have ‘low waist flat ass’. But I don’t care. I can’t stand anything sitting on my tummy and I feel sexy regardless of how I really look in them.

  • Mom101 says:

    I beg to differ! The buttless have an advantage over those of us whose truks runneth over. However the real solution if you only look good in “mom jeans” is simple: Don’t wear jeans. works for me.

  • cameo says:

    marcie and i would buy levi’s boys 30/30 and have to sew them up! i can only dream about that now. sewing up a 30 inch waist! those were the good ol’ days. damn. i’m depressed. i’m gonna go eat some easter chocolate.

  • Pattie says:

    I love, love, love jeans! I wear them almost everyday. I like the low rise jeans from the Gap. They are pretty flattering, as long as one wears a shirt long enough so the midriff does NOT make an appearance. I did find a GREAT pair of jeans at Nordstrom by Rock and Republic that fit perfectly…problem is I’d have to take out a small loan to buy them…figures!

  • Kristen says:

    I guess I need to update my bloglines with you (duh). Anyway, I can no longer to the low riders – I also need to lose about 10 lbs, but I have found Izod (yes, I know – craziness) capri things that ride right under the belly button – still cool looking yet covers all the “scooch” as I call it.

    Those may be high riders – but I do say “bootcuts” and a dark wash are godsends as well. Since having a baby, my ass is gone (it all went to my waist, I guess)…

    I have to watch the shirts I wear too.

    God what an asspain.

    :)

  • Christina says:

    I love jeans, but can never find a pair to fit me well. If it fits in the hips, the waist is huge, and if they’re low cut, then everything spills out. I am on a continuous quest to find the right pair of jeans. I hear Land’s End makes custom jeans fit to your measurements. I may try those.

  • DeAnn says:

    Can I just say that muffin tops is the most hilarious name of a weird bodily phenomenon ever? It doesn’t need a name, but I’m so glad someone thought to give it one. Yay!

  • No amount of pocket magic is going to work for my butt. I used to only wear skirts for that reason. It was only a couple years ago that I discovered the comfort of jeans.

    As a child I was told I had to wear pleats for my wide hips. Of course everyone now knows that pleats make you look even w-i-d-e-r. My childhood pants would hang in my closet with the price tags on them until my mom gave up and just let me wear skirts.

  • Buffy says:

    I hate high waisted jeans because I’m so short bodied. I hate low waisted jeans cause I have a little junk in the trunk and unless I’m planning on standing up all day those babies just don’t work for me.

    I like men’s/boy’s jeans best. They always turn out to be my favourite.

    I’m with. Muffin Tops and Homer Butts are NOT a good look.

  • Kristi says:

    I say stay in your jammies all day and you’ll have nothing to worry about.
    Well, that won’t really work, I know.
    J Crew’s City Fit jeans are great.

  • Ha! Homer Butt and Muffin Top – I’m so glad to have two new terms added to my dismal vocabulary.

    Unfortunately, this has me racing to look at myself in the full length mirror. Looks like guilty as charged – I’ll have to go find some jeans that come up to my boobs.

  • bridgermama says:

    Sometimes I feel as if the zillion dollar jeans are worth it. Dang now I have to check out the fancy/shmancy David Kahn ones! Thanks a lot! :)

  • Julie says:

    No f’ing way am I buying a pair of jeans labeled “Soccer Mom”.

    I’m digging the muffin top too, but I did manage to find a pair at Old Navy that fit well. And they even make my ass look small.

    Personally, I think that high-waisted mom jeans make people’s asses look BIGGER. Too much fabric, I suppose.

  • Eddie Bauer, and you won’t break the bank. The worst are Gaps’ ultra low rise. I seriously can’t buy jeans that require you to shave in order to wear them if ya know what I mean.

  • kde2 says:

    Doesn’t anyone get that not only are our butts bigger but they also fell. Remember when your Levis rear pocket covered on entire bun? Now when I put on a pair I keep thinking their pockets are smaller (not wanting to admit my ass is bigger). I think the smaller the pocket the bigger the butt looks. So I try to go with pocketless jeans or flaps.

  • Facewest says:

    I am a man I have to say the lowrise pants are ugly to be and in many cases take away from a womans form and sexyness. I think the jean should come to just below the belly button

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