Here at IzzyMom, there’s not much I won’t write about. Within reason, anything is fair game. That said, I’d like to discuss something that is causing me some serious distress lately. I know “crotch couture” has already been touched upon over at Motherhood Uncensored recently but seriously, what IS the deal with body hair after pregnancy? There was a time when none of this was an even issue. I mean I had hair where you’re supposed to — just not freaking acres of it. Now? I’m pretty sure they’ll be saving a booth for me at the carnival. In the sideshow, that is….
After my first baby, I noticed that ever so slowly, my bikini line was advancing a bit beyond its formerly acceptable property line. Then I noticed that my upper lip hair, while still fine, was darker and there was a bit more of it, too. I mentioned this to my doctor who explained to me that when you’re breastfeeding, your estrogen levels remain low and that’s what causes it, not unlike when old ladies have chin hairs and mustaches etc. She said when I stopped nursing, things would return to normal but that she couldn’t do much about the existing hair. Great. I love the “bingo ladies” look.
Fast-forward 5 years. I have another baby, 9 months old, and I’m still nursing. I’ve made peace with my original hair issues. Sort of. But now I’m noticing that a number of my eyebrow hairs are reallly long. I’m turning into Abe freaking Vigoda here. Or Groucho Marx. Pick the eyebrow monster of your choice… And my bikini line? It’s marching onward again. Just here and there, with individual hairs defying me, but still — I hate it — it’s making. Me. Insane.
But the piece de resistance; the thing that bothers me the most….(are you ready for this????) is the LONG WHITE HAIR that now grows from the MIDDLE of my forehead. Seriously, what IS this crap???????? I spend more time shaving, plucking and searching for new evil hairs than I care to admit. The worst, part, however, is that it always, always comes back and a hell of a lot faster than it used to.
I want to keep nursing but I’m afraid when I’m done I’ll look like Chewbacca. And yes, I know there are modern hair removal methods available. I see the billboard of one such establishment mocking me every damn day with some eighteen year old in a bikini and a tagline designed to make feel me as horrible and insecure as possible. (mission accomplished, thanyouverymuch) Do you know how expensive that stuff is??? I’d have to tap into our home equity line to pay for it.
Then of course, there’s waxing but unless there’s some secret that I don’t know, waxing sucks just as much as shaving. You wax and it’s gone for a while but when it grows back, you have these horrid ingrown hairs around your hoo-ha. It’s nasty and not conducive to swimsuit season OR hot sex.
I know that hormones after pregnancy can be crazy. In fact, mine have never been quite the same since after my first pregnancy. And trust me, there’s nothing like someone calling you “peri-menopausal” to make you feel ready for throwing in the hair war towel. Yes. Someone suggested that I might be peri-menopausal. “The hell you say!!!” I screamed inwardly! “I’m still in my thirties, dammit!” Arghhhhhhhhh! I am young. I am vital. I am not going down without a fight!
Is anyone else battling with weird postpartum or hormonally-triggered hair growth? Do you know how to wax without ingrown hairs? Can anyone explain a long white hair that grows from one’s forehead? I know someone out there has the answers to these great mysteries. My poor tweezers are exhausted. I’m getting eyestrain. We need help.