Anthropomorphism Sucks…

Anthropomorphism: The act of ascribing human motivation and characteristics to inanimate objects, animals or natural phenomena.

If anyone out there is in the movie business or anything close to it, please FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND DECENT, tell your studio bosses and producer friends that movies with animals that act like people and speak in full sentences, complete with naughty double-entendres are STUPID, PLAYED OUT, and rarely ever suitable for small children. Period.

It was all funny and charming when Robin Williams played the wisecracking genie (yes, I know genies are not animals but close enough) in Aladdin but I’m telling you — that ship has sailed. Muster up a collective teapsoon of creativity and find a NEW gimmick! Furthermore, why do these stupid characters have to yell every two and a half seconds? They all sound like they’re channeling Sam Kinison, undoubtedly the most annoying semi-celebrity in comedic history.

In case you’re wondering where all this is coming from…I took my daughter to see “Curious George” today and it was beautifully animated and a very charming movie for little kids (thank you, Ron Howard). This means little or no screaming and no violence (yes, even when it’s made to look funny, kicking the crap out of someone is STILL violence) and a general theme of good values that anyone with children (that isn’t a total loser) would like their kids to be exposed to.

I wish I could say the same about the TWENTY FREAKING MINUTES of lame trailers for retarded movies that I would NEVER take a 5 year old to see, let alone a 2, 3 or 4 year old, the primary demographic in the theater. I had a pounding headache from sensory overload and my daughter, who is very sheltered, was exposed to everything but freaking pornography in those 20 minutes. Never again will I get to a movie early and sit through that crap when I have my kids with me. NEVER.

And in other parenting news… if you somehow missed the story of the camera-stealing family of assholes, check it here.

To the person who wrote this…

The Not Hot V-Day Survey

Happy Valentines Day to those who acknowledge the holiday. Hubz and I agreed not to make a big thing out of it since neither of us ever feels like racing around at the last minute to buy teddy bears, flowers and candy for each other. I did get my daughter a pair of socks with pink hearts all over them and a little heart stamp that lights up. But she’s five, easy to please and fun to shop for. I doubt I’d get the same enthusiastic response from Hubz about such trinkets.

So anyway… I was thinking it’s time to let our hair down and have a little fun. Are you in?

Today’s assignment is to share with us your not-hot crushes. What celeb or public figure do you have the hots for that would never be a candidate for People magazine’s “50 Most Beautiful People” issue? Who are you crushing on that you know would be considered odd or found downright inexplicable by most people?

Also, I’d like to take a minute to welcome my new renter “Occasional Melancholia”. I perused her blog a bit last night and it’s good stuff. Click the sidebar link to drop by her place and see for yourself :-)

Okay! Get thinking on your not-hot submissions*. Guys are welcome to play, too!

*The only rule is the you can’t make fun of anyone else’s submissions.

Brokeback Crazy Mofo Camera Shopping Day

I went to see Brokeback Mountain yesterday ALL BY MYSELF. (not that I wanted to go all alone but it was nice to be somewhere without kids that doesn’t involve a shopping cart and things that will melt if I don’t go straight home) For those of you who haven’t seen it, Brokeback Mountain is a heartbreakingly sad love story. I very much enjoyed it but I really don’t see what the controversy was all about. I can turn on my TV on a Sunday afternoon and see depictions of violence that will turn my stomach but a story that involves love between two people of the same gender is a problem? We really are a screwed up society. (but you knew that already, right?) There was some sex between the main characters but I wouldn’t say it was graphic. I’ve never witnessed actual gay man sex so I don’t know if it would be considered an accurate portrayal but I’m guessing it was, particularly the “manliness” of it and some of the awkwardness, too. In many ways, the scenes exhibited a certain tenderness, which made them kind of hot in a weird way. You should know that “tender” is a word I rarely use except maybe to describe baby back ribs or steamed carrots but in this case, it is warranted

There wasn’t any extreme nudity but a little bit of functional nudity by the guys like when Jake Gyllenhall is washing his clothes in the river wearing nothing but cowboy boots (which I know has to fulfill a fantasy for someone somewhere in the world) but you don’t see anything really. There are a couple quick boob shots of the two female leads which I guess were a bone for all the straight guys that got dragged to the movie by a wife or girlfriend. I primarily mention the sex and nudity to emphasize my point that the controversy for this movie is totally unwarranted. It wasn’t some homosexual boinkfest like some people tried to make it out to be.

Michelle Williams was excellent, as was Anne Hathaway, who is one of my favorite beautiful brunette actresses. Unfortunately, she gets blonder as her character gets older ala Penelope Cruz in “Blow”. Does that happen in real life? I’m that side of 35 and I’m still a brunette… Another girl whose name I don’t know played Heath Ledger’s daughter and I recognized her from “Nip/Tuck”. If you watch N/T, she was the redheaded lesbian that Matt was in love with for a a couple episodes. Also making a minor appearance is the adorable Linda Cardellini, currently of ER, but whom I first knew as Lindsay on the grossly underappreciated show “Freaks & Geeks.” I’m reallly happy to see Cardellini in such a BIG movie. I hope it boosts her career. She deserves it. As for Jake G, all I can say is have you seen the man’s eyelashes? I kept thinking they reminded me of some other long-lashed boy and then it came to me….Jared Leto of “My So-Called Life.” Both Leto and Gyllenhall are just downright pretty to look at. And Jake G has such a perfect nose. Noses aren’t a “thing” with me but his is so…perfect; I just had to mention it. To be honest, I never noticed Gyllenhall much until Brokeback Mountain but I’ll be watching for him from now on. Look out, Johnny Depp. Your cheekbones might be getting bumped for eyelashes and a perfect nose…

I don’t want to really give away any of the story so I won’t discuss that aspect except to reiterate that I thought it was terribly sad. (This should be taken with a grain of salt, though. I am, after all, the person who tears up during the Olympics and sometimes when I watch a marching band. Please don’t ask me to explain that last one. I don’t even understand it myself)

Profanity Alert!!!! (for the easily offended, which you probably aren’t if you read this blog regularly)

All in all, I give Brokeback Mountain two thumbs up. The only thing that was bad about my experience was the FREAKSHOW in the theater that wouldn’t shut the fuck up. At one point, I thought I may have yelled at a handicapped person but after getting a good look at the asshole, I think not. From the previews on, this guy that was there by himself kept making all these weird noises and moaning really loud and occasionally he would blurt out “homo” or “fag”. I was seething. This is the one motherfucking day that I have all to myself so I go to see a movie and I’ll be damned if I was going to listen to this piece of shit blab through the whole thing for two goddamned hours. So early on I said really loud “Shut the hell up!” and he did. But it didn’t last. After about 30 minutes I went and complained and someone came and told him to shut up. But of course, it started up again. I was ready to go attack him with my icee cup but I really did want to watch the movie so I did my best to ignore him. What blew me away is how nobody else would say a word to the guy. He was SO obnoxious. Sorry, but I’m just not that passive. But after listening to him for nearly 2 hours, I started to wonder if he had Tourette Syndrome and I felt bad for a nanosecond. Then when the lights came on I stood up and glared at him and not surprisingly, he looked wasted. On the way out, I asked this other woman what she thought and she said she was going to complain, so we went together. The manager was apologetic and gave us each a free pass. Big whoop. How about giving me my day back?

Later, I was looking at cameras in Sears and who should be walking right past but HIM, the whooping, moaning, epithet-blurting, movie-wrecking freak from the theater. He was talking to himself and saying “I saw the Brokeback Mountain” so I go “Yeah, I know and you totally ruined the whole movie for everyone. Thanks a lot” And he stops and looks at me incredulously like he has no clue. He made this noise like when Scooby Doo goes “Huhhh?”, as if to ask me why I would say such a thing. So I said “You didn’t shut up through the entire movie. It was completely rude.” And in that moment, I realized that while he didn’t appear to have Tourette Syndrome anymore, this person may not be playing with a full deck and I decided to back off. He could have cared less. He ambled away, still talking to himself. And me? Well, I felt a lot better having had the chance to vent at the actual source of my irritation, for what it was worth. All’s well that ends well. As for cameras, apparently the only kind of digital camera that don’t have that annoying delay are the big SLR kinds. The $500 to $1000 kind. Not what I wanted to hear…

Weekend FUN!

Hubz is home. I’m taking the day off. I’m leaving this place and not coming back for hours and hours and then a few more hours. If you need a recap, scroll down to the post called “Hubz is Gone”

So as to not have a stale post on here all day, I’m leaving ya’ll a few FUN! links from my bookmarks. If you’ve seen them before, then feel free to post NEW! fun links to regale each other with in my absence.

Let the FUN! begin:

Design your own Warning Label. A great way to procrastinate or avoid your to-do list.

Use Gizoogle to turn your blogging, searches, text etc. into “jive” (which I think sounds really dorky). It’s the shiznit, kids.

Introducing the -ly detector, a bookmarklet that will help you weed adverbs out of your writing. Apparently, (ha!) adverbs are bad. Who knew? Admittedly (ha!), this isn’t all that much FUN! but I figure it’s entirely (ha!) possible that you’ve been looking for a way to rid your life of adverbs. (it’s also possible that you really (ha!) need to get out more ;-p)

Have a great Saturday.