A Tale of Two Balls
When my husband and I bought our first house, I kept noticing this weird smell around the toilet in the master bathroom. It was familiar but I couldn’t quite place it. Until one day when I realized the smell was that of sweaty balls. Yes. You read correctly. The toilet had one of those plasticky toilet seats and we had intended to change it but hadn’t done it yet. And THAT was where the smelly, sweaty balls smell was coming from. The guy we bought the house from, Ted, was a real cocksmacking shithead bastard old-ass motherfucker. As you may have deduced, I didn’t care for him very much. This man, whom I loathed and who made me insanely angry SO many times while trying to buy this stupid house, had managed to stick it to us one last time with his nasty balls. But what I really wanted to know is HOW the smell was on the toilet seat. I asked my husband if his balls touch all over the toilet seat, either inside or on it or whatever and he looked at me like WTF? Of course not. But clearly Ted, of the smelly balls, was doing SOMETHING to have left his stink all over the toilet seat. What I also want to know is how his kindly wife Regina put up with it. Didn’t SHE notice the stinky sweaty balls smell? Clearly, for his ball smell to have permeated the plastic toilet seat, it had to have been BAD. If your man had balls that smelled that bad, wouldn’t you be concerned? At the very least, wouldn’t you have bleached the holy hell out of your cheap piece-of-shit plastic toilet seat every day? If it was me, I would have bleached Ted’s balls every day, too. Suffice it to say, we went and got a new toilet seat the instant we realized the source of THE SMELL. Incidentally, after a few months of living in the new house, a check arrived for Ted from the IRS, in an amount very close to the amount of money he had screwed us out of (did I mention that he royally shafted us, in addition to subjecting us to THE SMELL?). It was some kind of refund for overpayment. Instead of forwarding it to him, we ripped it up into tiny pieces and ceremoniously flushed it down the master bathroom toilet. Yes. Bad karma. I know. It was worth it. My only true regret is that he probably never even knew about it.
WOw great, toilets are the best! You love em, you poop in em, you hate him…I don;t know how people used to deal with CHAMBER POTS!
LOL. That is classic. Serves him right leaving his stinky ball smell all over YOUR toilet. :)
I wanted to leave a well-thought out, funny comment, but all that I could come up with was…EWWWWWWWW!
Mel
What Mel said. How did he manage to get his particular brand of funk all over the seat? The world may never know.
I almost threw up my dinner from laughing so hard at that post…this line ” was a real cocksmacking shithead bastard old-ass motherfucker” KILLED me.
Thanks for the laugh. You don’t know how much I needed it. You have provided your valuable public service for the day. Now please feel free to go relax for a while.
That toilet-seat smell must have been HORRIBLE. On the bright side, you taught me a new dirty word:
“cocksmacking”
I never heard it before!
Thanks for telling me about this post. It was very therapeutic for me to read it this weekend. :)
[...] I could write a long post about all the crazy searches I get here but about 90% of them, while sometimes weird, nonsensical or gross, are typically looking for something to do with sex, balls, boobs, muffin tops, and shirtless celebrities. Yup. [...]
[...] Here at IzzyMom, there’s not much I won’t write about. Within reason, anything is fair game. That said, I’d like to discuss something that is causing me some serious distress lately. I know “crotch couture” has already been touched upon over at Motherhood Uncensored recently but seriously, what IS the deal with body hair after pregnancy? There was a time when none of this was an even issue. I mean I had hair where you’re supposed to — just not freaking acres of it. Now? I’m pretty sure they’ll be saving a booth for me at the carnival. In the sideshow, that is…. [...]
[...] And finally, my last recommendation for low-quality, high-volume search traffic is to write about smelly balls. Yes. I’m totally serious. Apparently this real-life story about smelly balls attracts a buttload of people who want to know more about smelly balls and/or smelly balls plus Alec Baldwin, who once did an SNL skit on the topic. [...]
Fuck yeah….. I’ll give ‘em a piece of my mind…. a piece of my ass….
This story makes me hot!