Chasing Sleep

My little guy is getting a tooth and he’s not sleeping for more than a couple hours (or less) at a time. This means I am not sleeping at all. *yawn* I’ve tried everything. Anyone know any secrets to settling cranky, teething babies? You’d think I’d never done any of this before but I actually have and all I can say is don’t ever count on your second baby to be anything like your first. That’s my sage advice of the week.

More fun than a poke in the eye…

Thursday 1:15 am

In case you were wondering what I did all day today, in no particular order…

- Read daughter 2,817 books. Okay, it was more like 7.
- Briefly considered going to the grocery store. Decided hunger was more palateable
- Found daughter slathering herself from head to toe in body glitter gel. Decided there were worse things, such as covering herself in magic marker. Again. “They’re tattoos!!!!”
- Talked to a friend I haven’t spoken to in months. Set up playdate for tomorrow. At her house! Yesssss! *high five myself*
- Went to the mall with daughter to exchange too-small Christmas gifts for the baby Buddha. Would have been a lot more fun on acid. Apparently post-Christmas shopping is still happening.
- Bought a pretty, shiny new saucepan at Linens n Things
- Threw away tired old poisonous Teflon saucepan.
- Listened to daughter endlessly weigh the merits of her American Girl doll over her friend’s American Girl dolls. Her doll wins every time.
- Held cranky teething 21 lb baby ALL day long except when he napped. Inspected arms in mirror to determine whether or not I resemble Popeye.
- Played “Finding Nemo” Uno with daughter.
- Took a nap. Too short.
- Spent way too much time on phone trying to locate mercury-free flu shots for kids. Mission accomplished. I rock.
- Looked at credit card statement online. Almost choked.
- Decided to look into cruise idea for next Christmas. Ponder the idea of going alone.(I can dream, can’t I?)
- Watched daughter and friend trash house while “playing”
- Decided w/ husband that Saturdays are his day & Sundays are mine for much-needed downtime away from tiresome familial responsibilities
- Ate a couple microwave pancakes at 9:30. Breakfast food rules.
- Read news online, emptied out SPAM email folder. Decided to further procrastinate on numerous obligatory emails .

The Daymare Before Christmas

It’s the day before Christmas and all through the house, every one of us is miserable, so I turn to my mouse (sorry, I couldn’t resist). Anyway, both kids were up several times last night with various issues and maladies and at one point, around 3am, the baby decided he wanted to play. It wasn’t as cute as it sounds. Eventually, we had to divide and conquer and each of us slept in a room with a kid. Today we are all cranky, tired and at least three of us are plagued with coughs and/or stuffy noses..

And just so you know my pissy mood is completely warranted, here are some more reasons for me to be irritated…

- Cat #1 got into the kind of ugly but-oh-so-tasty Christmas cookies that my daughter and I made and they’re almost all ruined

- Cat #2 left a pile of turd pudding (from the $113 antibiotics) in my bedroom. I’ll spare you the visuals on this one.

- My mother-in-law wants all of us to hike it over to my husband’s grandmother’s assisted living place and visit her because she’s sick and they don’t want to bring her to Christmas. Yeah, let me take my sick kids to visit a sick person so they can all get MORE sick.

- And our TV finally shit the bed for real this time. Our efforts to revive it one last time were futile. It’s not even 5 years old. Grrrrrrr…

Wake me up when my house is clean, my kids are well, the TV is fixed and Christmas is OVER.

Sincerely,
The Grinch

Your Tummy is STILL Fat

My stepmom recently left a copy of US magazine at my house. While I usually reserve my celebrity catch-up reading for the doctor’s office, but having recently given birth, I was very compelled to read about how celeb moms are under such pressure to lose their baby weight and of course, all about their personal dramas of postpartum weight loss.

Hah! There was NO drama to be found. Nothing but personal trainers and low-carb ZonePerfect meals being delivered each day. Hmmmph.

I exercise almost every day and I have not lost a single pound in 4 months. I breastfeed (and bottle feed) a voracious 6 month old but no weight loss for me. I keep asking everyone about that devious rumor that breastfeeding helps you lose your baby weight (it didn’t work with my first baby either) but my research yields nothing concrete. My doctor, however, has confirmed that many women don’t lose any weight until they stop breastfeeding. He advises me to enjoy this time and not sweat a measly 15 lbs.

I am enjoying this time but it’s winter. My ass is COLD and I want to fit into my size 10 (and that one treasured pair of size 8) jeans again. I can get them on and even zip them but they’re so embarrassingly tight. This is evident by the ring of loose skin/fat that now hovers over the waist and of course, by the painfully honest words of my 5 yr old daughter who came up to me yesterday while I’m sitting down, kinda poked at my stomach and said…

“Your tummy is still fat”.

Tell me something I don’t already know, Sugarbear

My husband, on the other hand, being the apparently smart man that he is, tells me all the time that I look great. I so appreciate that.

I want my old body back. Not this worn out old thing that wets it’s pants every time it coughs or sneezes… (embarrassing side effect of having a 9.6 lb baby).

Because I am a “glass half full” type of person (I know…just call me Pollyfuckinganna), I prefer to think about what I got in return for this sacrifice. And it’s true. I got something pretty great. But I sure wouldn’t mind wearing my old jeans on a cold night like this. *sigh*

I Adore This Child

*An Exchange This Morning*

5 yr old: Mommy, can I have some more milk?

Me: Can you wait a sec? I have to go to the bathroom.

5 yr old: You’re going pee again?

Me: No. I’m going poop this time. Is that okay with you?

5 yr old: (ponders about this for at least 10 seconds) Okay. But hurry up.

Some things for my daughter’s stocking:

1) A dispenser of Scotch tape; she loves this stuff so much. Only the next item brings more joy to her.

2) A little orange stapler; this is her personal nirvana. Clearly she has inherited my love of new office/school supplies.

3) A knit hat and gloves emblazoned with Barbie’s face and logo; it doesn’t snow here but she longs for these items nonetheless. Her pure glee will be worth whatever I paid for these seemingly unimpressive items. Actually, I have no idea what I paid for any of these items. Christmas turns me into an idiot.